The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
by BlueLakeKylie
Summary: A month has passed since the last adventure, and Link's bizarre curiosity manages to get the team thrown into another dimension. Again. Except this time, everybody is older, a brand new character shows up out of no where and the story makes a HUGE twist! Will the heroes be able to survive this insanity? Probably, they've done it numerous times. But it's different from last time…
1. People Like Ponies

**LET ME TELL YOU HERE (AS WELL): If you clicked on this without reading Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time and Bizarre Saga: Majora's Mask, I'm _not_ going to tell you to go back and read them for the purpose of understanding this. It's very easy to catch up with what's going on. This story is much better than the previous ones, anyway. The two stories before this are basically 90% dialogue. If that doesn't bother you, than you can go back and read them if you REALLY want to.**

**Okay, before look at the chapter and run away going like, "You freaking derp! You said that this would be better than the last story!" IT IS. The first chapter is exactly the same style as the earlier ones though. Wait, did I mention that already? I don't know. I'm just saying it again. It takes a few chapters for it to get going.**

**If you happen to be a person who doesn't want to go back and read the previous stories, here's a bit of info.**

**Saria is part of the main team, is a pyromaniac and has an obsession with killing things. Yeah, she's pretty messed up, but I still somehow managed to make her a character the rest of the team can put up with.**

**Link is (was?) kind of an idiot and makes no sense half the time. He's a bit better now, though.**

**Navi doesn't really have any special traits that I need to tell you about.**

**A TON of crap happened in their previous adventures. Just take that information and this will seem like it could be the first story in the series. Maybe.**

**WARNING: I apologize for the amount of My Little Pony references in this chapter. I was going through a phase at the time.**

**I don't own the Legend of Zelda~**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess  
Chapter 1: People Like Ponies

_It's been a month since their last adventure. They saved Termina from Majora's Mask and the falling moon, and parted from Tatl. Now they've settled in the Kokiri Forest, and it's Saria's birthday._

"Every single day, I keep expecting some adventure to get thrown at us…" Saria muttered, eying the box with her things in it. "I miss stabbing things."

Link suddenly pushed the curtain in the doorway to her house aside. "Happy birthday!" he told her.

"Do you know what happened today?" Saria stood up. "Mido waited right outside my door, waiting for me to get up! I whacked him with a frying pan when I saw him. He's such a stalker and he still hasn't realized I don't and will never like him!"

Navi flew up behind Link. "Link, how many times do I have to tell you not to wander out of the house before I'm awake?" she asked.

"But it's almost 9:00," Link said. "And you don't let me wake you up, either."

Navi sighed. "I know this doesn't have to do with anything right now, but I'm still having a hard time adjusting back to the time here after coming back from Termina. I seem to be watching the clock a lot, thinking time is passing _really _slowly."

"I kind of miss adventuring."

"Me too," Saria stated. "I haven't used my sword for anything since we came back! Remind me why we decided to move back into this stupid forest?"

"I think it's kind of peaceful," Navi spoke.

"That's because you don't have someone picking on you thinking they're better than you all the time," Link told her.

"Or someone hitting on you!" Saria said.

"Hey Saria, ever since we came back to the forest, I haven't seen a single sign of your fairy. At all," Navi stated.

"I ditched him in the Lost Woods."

"I don't think that will stop him from coming back. I mean, if you get lost there, than you just appear back at the forest."

"No, I mean I climbed a tree, went into the Forest Temple and ditched him there. And I'm pretty sure it worked because I haven't seen him since."

"Does Mido even know that we both saved the world twice?" Link asked. "I still have that mask leftover from last time."

"The one that turns you into a deity with a giant sword?"

"Yeah. I have it in my pocket in case some quest hits us, suddenly. Like, a race of shadowy beings suddenly comes to take over the world and put it in complete darkness." He paused. "A thought just hit me… What do you think is behind that window in the back of the Temple of Time?"

"It's just a window."

"No, or else someone could just go to the back of the temple and break through it, making the whole stone gathering and ocarina useless. You know, let's go find out what's back there right now!"

"_Now_? But then we have to get all the Spiritual Stones again!"

"But we know exactly where they are this time."

"No we don't! I sold the Goron Ruby on eBay and who knows what Ruto might have done with the sapphire!"

"Well let's just go now anyway! Maybe we'll get thrown into a quest and you'll get to _stab _things again. But maybe we should wait until after we find out what's back there, and then get our stuff. Because it might just be a waste of time, and we brought our stuff for nothing."

"What if Zelda asks us what the heck we're doing? We gave the Ocarina back to her!" Navi said.

"Yeah, but after you two left she gave it back to me and said she _still _doesn't want it. So let's just go and find out what's behind that window!"

Saria sighed while she got up and followed Link out.

* * *

"The Spiritual Stone should still be in Mido's house, because he probably forgot about it," Link spoke while they walked into Mido's house.

"What are you doing in my house?!" Mido demanded. Huh, he said the same thing at the end of Ocarina of Time…

"Don't make me hit you with a frying pan again," Saria warned while Link pulled a plank on the stairs off and pulled out the bag.

"Good, it's still here," Link said.

"What! The Kokiri Emerald-" Mido started, but Saria whacked him with a frying pan.

"Heh heh," Saria laughed before they left.

* * *

"You want the Zora's Sapphire _back_?" Ruto asked. "Why do you want it again?"

"Because Link wants to get back into the Temple of Time," Saria answered.

"Well sorry, it got swallowed by our new guardian."

"… You're kidding, right?"

"Duh! Of course I'm kidding! I told my father it was a waste of space to have a giant fish that didn't do anything but eat, and he realized that Jabu Jabu wasn't actually protecting us at all. But seriously. You don't actually _need _the Zora's Sapphire again, do you."

"We're just _borrowing _it," Link said.

"All right, fine then…" Ruto went to get the stone and gave it to them.

* * *

"How the heck are we supposed to find the Goron Ruby?" Saria asked.

"Maybe the guy eating potato chips knows!" Link suggested.

"… Seriously?"

"Yeah!"

"It's been more than two years!"

"Don't you remember? He set up a store in Kakakakakokokoko Village."

"I never saw him at all!"

"Well it's there."

* * *

Link, Saria and Navi went up the stairs in Kakariko Village. In the place where the beggar would've been in the future, there were two buildings. One sold corn chips and one sold potato chips.

"See?" Link said. "They are here!"

"Well I never saw them," Saria answered. "How long ago was it that they were built?"

"A few months ago, or something."

"I just never saw them." They walked towards the potato chip store.

"What are you doing!" the corn chips guy yelled, looking out of his store. "Corn chips are better!"

"That doesn't mean people always will want the same thing," Navi told him while they entered the store.

"Hi! You made the right choice by entering my store!" the potato chip guy stated. "What can I help you with?"

"You know what would make your store _better_?" Link told him, "If you sold beverages with your chips! You can't eat chips without a drink!"

"That's a great idea! Thanks, pal! Hey, aren't you that kid I met two years ago while I was sitting down at Zora's river eating from a huge bag of potato chips?"

"Yep!"

"Uh, you know where the Goron Ruby is?" Navi asked, expecting a "what the heck is that".

"Yeah! In fact, I bought it!" the potato chip guy said.

"Can we borrow it?" Link questioned.

"Sure thing, buddy!"

**_Link got the Goron Ruby!_**

"Uh… It didn't do that for the other stones…" Saria spoke.

"Oh well!" Link said, skipping out the store.

"You're not buyin' any potato chips?!" the guy yelled.

"Oh, whatever," Saria muttered, picking up a big bag of Lays and putting down two blue rupees. "When do you think they're going to invent rupees worth 10?"

* * *

Later at the Temple of Time…

"It's a good thing I kept the Prelude of Light in mind," Navi stated. "But are you sure it's a good idea to open the Door of Time again? What if that triggers something and lets Ganondorf out of the Evil Realm?" (That is, if he's still there… Theory is complicated)

"That would only be if I pulled up the Master Sword again. Opening the door won't do anything!" Link told her.

"Are you sure…?"

Link put all the Spiritual Stones on the pedestal and played the Song of Time. The Door of Time opened again.

"If Zelda catches you doing this and gets mad, I had nothing to do with it!"

Link ran into the room with the Master Sword. "This room brings back memories," he stated. "I need to get up to that window somehow…"

"I got a new rope because that other one was getting old," Saria spoke, taking a rope out. She tossed it up and it wrapped around the window frame.

"Do I have to climb up _another _rope?"

"Link, the last time you climbed a rope was back in Termina. Now go up! It was you who wanted to see the window! Heck, I won't be surprised if it's just there for decoration and that light coming out of it is fake."

It was quite a challenge to get Link up another rope, but when he finally got up there, he stared out the window.

"Shocking, isn't it? We wasted all that time for nothing."

"Get up here," Link told her.

"_What_?"

"I'm serious." DUN DUN DUN! He's serious!

Saria climbed up the rope and looked out. "There's…"

"NAVI THERE'S A PORTAL UP HERE! Does this mean what I think it does?! Another adventure! Yay!" Link crawled through the window frame.

"Wait, Link! We don't know where it goes!" Navi yelled, flying up quickly.

"And I don't have my stuff!" Saria shouted. But Link already jumped off and into the portal.

"… Too late."

"… Do we follow him now?"

"I don't know. If he goes somewhere, and we wait, he could already be gone and we'd have to find him…"

"But I want to bring my sword!"

"Just go, Saria."

"Are you serious?!"

"GO!"

"All right, fine then!" Saria crawled through the frame and jumped into the portal. Navi flew after her.

* * *

Link immediantly shot up on the floor of a building after hearing someone call his name. "Who was that…?"

"Hey! Hey Link!" someone called.

"Who could that be…?" Link looked out a nearby window and saw a man calling at him.

"It's time to herd the goats! Were you napping again?"

"Herd the goats?"

"Herd the goats! Except it looks like Ilia stole your horse again and brought her into the woods. I guess you have to go get her!"

"Who stole my horse?"

"You know, your girlfriend, Ilia! Who else would steal your horse? I think she does it on purpose just so she can spend time with you in the morning! … Or your horse."

"I don't think Ilia is my girlfriend."

"Hahaha!" The man ran off into the village.

"I am officially confused. Where's Navi? Who's Ilia? Where the heck am I? Where's Saria? And… What am I wearing?!" Link finally noticed that he had a different hairstyle, different colored hair, a different height and _completely _different clothes.

"I'd like to ask the same thing," a voice said on the bottom floor of his house.

"HOLY CRAP!" Link turned around and saw Saria sitting on one of his bookshelves.

"You were so caught up in that conversation with that guy you didn't notice me walk into your house. For some reason, there's a ladder connecting our houses. I live right under your house."

"Are you… a teen?"

"Yeah. It's way too weird for me. Look where we've ended up! And who's bright idea was it to jump into the portal before getting our stuff?!"

"Uh… Have you seen Navi?"

"No, I haven't. I wonder what could've happened to her? Oh, and by the way, you should probably go find your horse that your _girlfriend _stole."

"Look, I don't even know who she is! Heck, she might be some nasty, self centered girl that everybody thinks I like just because she's pretty and we talk to each other."

"Go find your horse and herd those goats so we can find a way out of here!"

"You know, I have the strangest feeling that we're going to have to save the world. You could stab things again."

"Stabbing… But I don't have a sword!" It's official, Saria is a stabomaniac.

"We'll probably get some."

"What if it's some crappy wooden sword that you can't even stab things with?" Saria sighed. "Just go find your horse."

* * *

"Is that her?" Link asked Saria when he saw the ranch girl in the spring. "Because she has a horse."

"You know, I bet the horse's name will be Epona," Saria stated.

"Oh, hello Link," Ilia greeted. "I washed Epona for you!"

"… Knew it…"

"Well of course, I wash Epona every day. No one wants a dirty horse. And happy birthday, by the way, Saria!"

"So it's my birthday here, too?" Saria thought.

"Did Epona jump through the portal?" Link whispered.

"I don't think that was possible," Saria whispered back. She looked back at Ilia. "Where's my horse?"

"Back at your house, didn't you see him? It took me forever to get Epona away from him!" Ilia answered.

"Yeah, that's definitely Chase. But seriously. How come you decide to wash Epona and not my horse? It's my birthday!"

"Hey, Link's working all day doing ranch work and his horse gets dirty faster than your horse does. I didn't see a problem with its coat."

"Are you just trying to win his love or something?"

"Well, I…"

"Well, I have to go herd the goats!" Link stated, guiding Epona away. "Are you coming, Saria?"

"Just a minute," Saria said. She looked at Ilia. "Are you hiding anything and secretly hate me or something?"

"Of course not! Hate is one of the Elements of Discord!"

"… What?"

"The Elements of Discord are something I made up. They're the opposite of the Elements of Harmony, which I live by. You know, from My Little-"

"I don't want you to finish that sentence."

"Are you saying you don't like that show?"

"What is wrong with you people?"

"What do you mean, what's wrong with us?"

"You people are crazy! You and your My Little Pony toys and obsessions! I don't get it! Ever since Link brought it up at the Kokiri Forest, all the Kokiri have been crazy about it! Even Mido!"

"… What are you talking about?"

"Oh right, different dimension… Again…"

"All right, this is officially the strangest thing you've ever spoken about in the sixteen years you've lived here. Did that guy in the woods sell you drugs? I told you not to buy anything from him after what happened to my fat dad! … Don't tell him I said that."

"Sure…"

"Pinkie promise?"

"AUUUGH!" Saria ran off.

"…"

* * *

"I wish that Epona was a pegasus," Link stated. "That would save so much time when going places."

"You know what I wish? That everybody wasn't so obsessed with My Little Pony!" Saria said.

"But seriously! Wouldn't it be cool if Epona and Chase were pegasi? Or maybe one could be a unicorn and one could be a pegasus."

"Or, if Chase were an earth pony and could kick you in the face." This kind of offended Link, but it didn't show very well. "I bet Epona would be proud. She doesn't like you very much, you know."

"How do you know that?"

"Navi told me. She can talk to animals, remember?"

"REALLY?" Ilia asked, popping up behind them. "Where is she? I _have _to find out how Epona feels about me!"

"She normally hangs out with us, but she disappeared after we woke up," Link answered.

"Hangs out with you? I've never seen her before."

"Well, uh…" Saria started. "We tried keeping her a secret because we knew people would freak out about it. But looks like you caught us talking about her!"

"She's a fairy!" Link stated.

"… A fairy! Oh no! This is horrible!" Ilia exclaimed.

"What? Why?"

"The drug man that lives in the woods has been looking for one for years! If he caught her, then he'd sell her to the museum in Castle Town. Fairies are rare, you know! Most people don't even believe in them, but those who have seen them have never been able to catch one."

"Oh, don't worry. Navi's experienced at getting out of bad situations."

"Wow, this place is _totally _different from Hyrule," Saria whispered to Link. "Fairies are so common at the Kokiri Forest! They live all over the place!"

"I'm surprised about the fact that all he does it sit around all day," Ilia said. "He's been looking for a fairy for a long time, but hasn't really been actually _looking_. I guess he just expected that if he lived in the woods, he'd see one eventually. Well, I guess you should go herd the goats. I'll go look for your friend!" Ilia ran off.

"… I don't know how to herd goats…" Link said.

* * *

**… I don't even know. I'm going to pretend I made Ilia like that because people don't like her and not because I thought it was a good idea.**

**Seriously, this was not a very good start for a story. It could've been SO much better, but what was I, twelve? Something like that.**

**Bye-bye~**


	2. A Fangirl and a Drug Dealer

**Not-so-warning: More MLP references, people are insane and I don't care.**

**Yeah, I don't usually update this fast, but I wanted to get another chapter up faster because I said so. After all, the entire thing is finished already AND I have WAY too much free time, so I have no excuse to delay.**

**For some reason, whenever I read the chapters aloud, it makes them funnier for me, but that might just be that I know exactly what I want my characters to sound like when they say certain things.**

**…**

**I don't own Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess  
Chapter 2: A Fangirl and a Drug Dealer

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link found a portal, Navi went missing, Saria became a teenager and Ilia called her father fat._

_Now for Chapter Two._

"I don't know how to herd goats!" Link said while he rode Epona into the ranch.

"It can't be that hard," Saria told him. "All you have to do is ride Epona around, getting all the goats into the barn."

"That still sounds hard!"

"Oh, hey there Link!" the guy from earlier greeted. "It's your turn to herd the goats! Just get those goats into the barn! But I have to warn you, though, ever since Talo tried to herd them yesterday, they've gotten a little crazy and will attack you if you whoop them too much."

"That makes it sound even harder!"

"Good luck!"

"Heh… This is gonna be good," Saria said, sitting on a nearby fence. Ilia popped up behind her.

"Hi!" she greeted. Saria jumped.

"HOLY CRAP! STOP DOING THAT!"

"… Sorry. I ignored my dad's orders and went into the woods. I didn't find your friend, but I also figured out that the drug man hasn't caught or seen her. So we're good for now. I just did an act of generosity by helping you!"

"But wouldn't ignoring your father's orders be a fault?"

"Well, uh…"

"And you also called him fat."

"My dad doesn't count. Hey, speaking of this, what do you think _your _list would be like?"

"Uh… I never thought about that…" Saria thought back to all those things she did in the past… and future. "It's not _that _bad."

"Is that a lie?"

"Nah. There isn't very much you can do when you've lived in a small village for such a long time. And of course I wouldn't be evil enough to steal from the store. By the way, what's the point of a store when the village is so small and everybody shares the same land? How does this place even make money, anyway?"

"We're a farm. We sell stuff that we grow. And the store sells stuff that you can't just get, like bee larvae for fishing bait and other random stuff that they made and are trying to sell."

Meanwhile out in the field, Link finally got the last goat into the barn.

"Augh! Finally!" Link said.

"That took… a while," the guy told him.

"It's Talo's fault! Not mine!"

"But the goats didn't even attack you!"

"It's still his fault!"

"Well, it's about dinner time. You better go home and eat somethin'."

* * *

The next morning…

"Hey!" Saria yelled, standing in front of Link. She gave him a push with her foot. "Wake up!"

"Go away, Navi, I'm too tired…" Link mumbled, rolling over.

"LINK! ARE YOU AWAKE YET?" a child's voice called from outside. "THERE'S SOMETHING I TOTALLY HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT!"

"Get up!" Saria ordered, kicking Link.

"Okay, I'm up!" Link said.

"Why were you sleeping on the floor?"

"Because I don't have a bed for some dumb reason. There's a pillow and a blanket on that bookshelf, but it's way too small! I don't get it!"

Saria climbed up a ladder, pulled an easily visible, loose piece of wood with a handle up and took a pillow and a few blankets. (a futon)

"… What."

"You have a stored bed thing!" Saria told him. "The kind that you put away during the day so it's out of the way and take out at night to sleep! How did you not notice that?!"

"Oh…"

"LIIIIINK!" the kid's voice called again. "COME OUTSIDE!"

"All right, all right!" Link opened up his front door and looked outside. There were three kids out there.

"Hi! Did you hear? They're selling a slingshot at Beth's mom's shop!" the first kid(Talo) stated. He looked like he was about ten.

"I wonder how powerful it is…" the younger child pondered.

"I want it soooo badly!"

"Then buy it," the girl(Beth) said.

"I don't have enough money, that's the problem!"

"Then save up your allowance for once!"

"But our allowances are terrible…" the younger child(Malo) spoke.

"Oh, don't worry, kids! Just cut the grass and money will come out every once in a while!" Link told them.

"Really?! That's awesome!" Talo exclaimed. "I can get _extra_ money cutting the neighbor's lawn for them!"

"Don't you even think about it, punk!" Beth yelled. "The slingshot's mine! All mine! My mom owns the shop, so I should get a discount!"

"I'm off to cut grass!"

"Don't you even think about buying my slingshot!"

"It doesn't belong to you yet," Malo said.

"Shut up, baby face! It's mine!"

"Excuse me? You did not… TRANSFORMING INTO ANGRY FIRE MODE!" Malo's small amout of hair turned into a large flame. "DESTROY ALL GREEDY HUMAN BEINGS!" Malo started throwing fire at Beth. Thankfully, though, nothing caught on fire because it was magical fire that could only hurt people. But then again, that would still cause a lot of damage. At least nothing burned down.

"Holy crap!" Beth ran into the village with Malo following her.

"… Well, that was an interesting series of… events," Saria spoke.

"Let's go buy the slingshot!" Link said. "I have enough money!"

"Did you even see that?! That kid's hair caught on fire and now he's trying to kill that teenaged girl! That's so awesome! Is he inhuman or something?!"

"Come on, let's go!"

"Go where?"

"To buy the slingshot."

"The kids want it. And you already have a slingshot at home."

"I don't have one here, and I'm buying it because I probably need it. They wouldn't sell something like that if I wasn't supposed to buy it!"

"Did you see how much those kids wanted it? I know this is strange coming with me, but buying it would be a risk to make the kids angrier than they already are."

"Oh please. If I buy the slingshot, they'll love me even more than before!"

"And how is that?"

"Because if I have it, then they know that they don't have to pay to use it."

"You're _that _nice?"

"Let's just go buy the slingshot."

* * *

"Link? You're buying the slingshot?" the lady behind the desk asked. "Are you buying it so the children can play with it? You better be, because I put this thing up for sale for them. It took me forever to make this thing!"

"Uh, there's a tag on it from a different store," Saria said.

"Oh! Don't pay attention to that! It doesn't mean anything! It definitely doesn't mean that I bought it from another store in Castle Town during a delivery!"

"Can he just buy the slingshot?"

"Sure, whatever."

**_Link got the slingshot!  
_**

"Wow! This one looks even better than my other one!" Link stated.

"_Other one_? If you already have one, why did you buy it?!" the lady asked. "Or are you buying for the children? Augh, I just can't stop worrying about my cat!"

"Let's just go," Saria whispered.

* * *

"Hey look, a monkey!" Link exclaimed.

"… A monkey?" Saria asked.

"A monkey! And it's holding a cradle!"

"Hello Link!" a strange looking man greeted from on top of a higher platform. "I see that monkey over there that has the cradle. I think it was stolen from Uli! Show it who's boss by sending a hawk over to attack it!"

"How?"

"You know, the hawk grass. You blow into it and it plays a song that summons a hawk that you can send wherever you want!"

"Cool!" Link climbed up some vines, picked some hawk grass and blew into it. A hawk landed on his arm. "Go attack the monkey!"

The hawk flew over and grabbed the cradle from the monkey.

"… I said attack it…" The hawk dropped the cradle into Link's hands.

"Hey, you got it back!" the strange man exclaimed. "You should go give it to Uli."

Some time later, Link had given the cradle back to her and got a fishing rod that her son had made for him.

"Cool," Link spoke.

* * *

"Oh, hello, you two!" a man greeted, walking up to the two. "I put presents in your houses. You're going to love them!"

"Is it a _sword_?" Saria asked excitedly.

"You have to find out for yourself!" the man(Rusl) walked back into the village.

"Hi Link!" Talo greeted. "I tried cutting the grass, but nothing came out. What's up with that?"

"Maybe it only works for me, or maybe it doesn't work here," Link said.

"Are you saying that it doesn't work in the village? Maybe I should try cutting grass in the woods!"

"Uh… I bought the slingshot."

"Wow, that's totally awesome! Can you shoot targets for us to prove your good aim?!"

"Good aim? That's Saria's thing, not mine."

"We'll set up a bunch of targets in these trees somehow so you can shoot them!"

A few minutes later…

"Shoot the scarecrows too!"

"I think this is all stupid," Beth stated. "I accept that my boyfriend- I mean Link gets the slingshot, which is _much _better than one of you immature little kids, but setting up all these targets is a waste of time."

"Immature little kids?" Saria asked. "Says the one who freaks out about a lame slingshot that wasn't even made by anyone in this village."

"I'll say…" Malo muttered.

"Excuse me? That thing is very high quality!" Beth said.

"Your mom got points taken away from honesty," Ilia stated, popping up again.

"Is that some kind of insult?"

"No, it's true. She didn't make that slingshot."

"Her mom tends to lie and freak out when she doesn't have her cat," Talo said. "And I find it a little bit creepy that Ilia keeps track of people's good and bad actions."

"You got one point on honesty!"

"See?! Now can you shoot down all those targets?"

"Can't I do it?" Saria asked. "It'll be so much faster! I want to find out what that present I got was! You'll like the results better! I could shoot them all down in ten seconds flat- oh crap, did I just say that?"

"My Little Pony reference!" Ilia stated.

"I think you can do it faster than that, Saria," Link spoke.

"This is a slingshot we're talking about. I could do it faster than that with a bow, but not a slingshot," Saria told him. She took the slingshot and rapidly fired seeds at all the targets and scarecrows.

"Eight seconds!" Talo exclaimed, holding a stopwatch. "It was even faster!"

"It would've taken Link much longer than that. Now I am going to go find out what my present was!" Saria ran into her house and opened up a treasure chest.

**_Saria got a Wooden Sword!_**

"… Seriously? A big, sanded stick? I can't even stab things with this! This thing is a disgrace to swords!"

* * *

Outside, after Link and Saria got their gifts…

"Wow! You got swords!" Talo exclaimed.

"More like sticks…" Saria muttered.

"Can you show us how to use them on that scarecrow?!"

"… Weren't there two there a minute ago?"

"Show us the horizontal slice! You just press B, right?"

"Wow, haven't heard about buttons in a long time," Link stated while Saria cut at the scarecrow. Talo copied her move with his play sword.

"Hey! I want Link to hit the scarecrow!" Beth complained.

"Too bad," Saria told her.

"Now a vertical slice!" Talo said. Saria vertically cut the scarecrow. "Wow! That's awesome! Can you stab it now?!"

Saria grinned and stabbed the scarecrow as hard as she possibly could. But she didn't get the results she wanted, which was the scarecrow breaking. Instead, it just bounced back.

"Stupid scarecrow! You were supposed to break!" Saria yelled.

"You know that spinny move, right? When you hold the sword out and spin around, taking out everything around you?"

"I'm more of a stabber, but I guess I can do it for you." Saria did the spin attack. "I'm guessing you want the jump attack now, right?"

"How did you know?"

"Well, there aren't really any other normal moves." Saria did the jump attack on the scarecrow, breaking its hat _and _the pumpkin it had for a head.

"Now that proves strength!"

"Can Link do that?" Beth asked.

"Probably not," Saria answered.

"Hey!" Link yelled.

"It's a good thing you showed me how to do all these cool sword moves! Now I can scare away those monkeys every time they show up!" Talo stated. He looked over at the entrance to the woods. "Look! There's a monkey right there!" The monkey ran away. "Get back here!" He started chasing it, with Malo and Beth following.

"Oh crap, I'm guessing we have to go chase them, don't we," Saria muttered. She mounted her horse. "Go, Chase!" He didn't budge. Saria sighed. "Link, take Epona."

* * *

"Chase, I really have to teach you that you can't stay with Epona all the time!" Saria yelled while Chase galloped along. He neighed. Unfortunetly, because Navi isn't there, we can't find out what he said.

"Huh? What's she doing here?" Link asked, looking at Beth who had stopped quite early.

"I figured it was a bad idea to follow along," Beth stated. "Talo's pretty stupid, after all. He doesn't know what he's getting himself into."

"Yeah…" Link nodded slowly.

* * *

Later, in the Faron Woods…

"Look, it's a guy with an afro!" Link exclaimed. "Hi!"

"That must be the drug man! Don't buy anything from him!" Saria warned him.

"Oh, hello there! Are you heading into the deep part of the woods? You really should take some lanterns! I'll give you not one, but two for free so that you might come back later!" the man said.

**_Link and Saria got lanterns!_**

"Wait a second… You don't have a fairy, do you?" Saria asked.

"Fairy? Of course not," the drug man answered.

"People lie, so how can I trust you?"

"No, seriously. I've never even seen one, I swear. But I do want one! Do you have one?!"

"No." Saria left, dragging Link behind her.

* * *

Later in the woods…

"I think I hear Talo yelling for help!" Link stated. "It's coming from the top of that weird hill!"

"Hey! Won't you buy something?" a bird with an afro asked.

"Don't tell me you sell drugs too!" Saria said.

"No, I sell lantern oil and red potion! I know that Coro sells lantern oil too, but I sell it for even less just to annoy him! However, having a store so far out in the woods is a problem."

"We don't want to buy anything!"

"All right, fine then! Leave!"

"Help!" Talo screamed.

"Shaddap!" a weird monster ordered.

"As the Hero of Time, I am coming to save you!" Link stated, running up with his sword.

"Hero of Time? What the heck is that-" Link beat up the monsters with his sword. He broke the cage afterwards.

"Wow! That was totally awesome!" Talo exclaimed.

* * *

"I'm really sorry about what I did. I shouldn't have run out in the woods," Talo said.

"Why are you telling me?" Link asked. "I'm not your father."

"That monkey… She wasn't actually that bad. She actually tried to protect me, so we got captured together. Well, I'm going home now…" Talo ran off.

"Link!" Rusl exclaimed, running up to him. "I came over as soon as I heard the children were missing!"

"Don't worry! They're safe!"

"Now, don't forget you and Saria have to take that delivery to Hyrule tomorrow! Maybe if you're lucky, you'll meet Princess Zelda! Ah ha ha!"

"Wait… Ordon isn't a part of Hyrule? And where's Saria?"

Saria walked up to him, "Oh, I was just making sure that the guy over there didn't have Navi."

"The _paaaain_!" the drug man yelled. Holy…

"He deserves it."

* * *

**O_O What did she do…? I don't think I want to know…**

**I want food…**

**Um, bye…?**


	3. Link's Constant Stupidity

**Not-so-warning/kind of a warning: Link is such an idiot in this chapter it's like he's trying to be one, nothing makes sense, certain scenes happen terribly, and this chapter basically sucks in general. It was after this chapter that I realized I no longer wanted Link to act unrealistically retarded (literally).**

**Please bear with Link's idiocy and the lameness of this chapter… If you laugh anyway, then I guess I should be happy, but I personally don't think too high of it. And it makes hardly any sense, either. Like, even less sense than this story usually does. But it definitely makes more sense than Saria eating Jabu Jabu… yeah, she did that.**

**I don't own Legend of Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess  
Chapter 3: Link's Constant Stupidity

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link saved Talo, Navi was still missing, Saria beat up a drug dealer and not much else happened._

_Now for Chapter Three._

"Look! It's Link!" Ilia exclaimed, while Link rode his horse into the village after herding twenty goats. I have no idea how ten more goats appeared there overnight, but I just skipped it because it's nothing important. "And Epona!"

"Well hello Link," Mayor Bo greeted. "This delivery is very important, and we have to make sure it gets to Hyrule as soon as possible."

"… What am I delivering?" Link asked. "And where exactly?"

"What your delivering was never explained in the game, and neither was exactly where."

"But how am I supposed to deliver it then?!"

"Huh? What happened here?" Ilia asked, looking at Epona's leg. "She's injured, isn't she?"

"She is? I'm sorry, but I never noticed."

"Never noticed?! You are a horrible owner! You have to go on this delivery now, but I'm taking your horse to the spring where she will be healed!" Ilia led Epona away.

"Gee, I wonder what Element of Harmony _that _represents," Saria said sarcastically. "We have to go get her, don't we."

* * *

"Oh, hi you two," a blonde boy(Colin) greeted. "Those guys won't let me into the woods."

"Why do you want to go in there?" Saria asked.

"I want to talk to Ilia. But they won't let me pass! Can you go with me?"

"I know just how to deal with situations like this." Saria walked over to Talo and Malo, who were blocking the entrance to the woods.

"You know we're not going to let you pass, right?" Talo asked Colin. "Way to tell your dad that we went into the woods! We got in so much trouble!"

"But Ilia goes into the woods all the time," Link stated.

"Well she's older."

"And you're the only one who actually crossed the bridge and went into monster territory," Saria said.

"We still got in trouble, and that's all that matters! Maybe I'll let you pass if you let me borrow one of your swords!"

"Oh, so this time, instead of needing to get a sword, we need to give him one?"

"Here, you can have mine!" Link said, giving Talo his sword.

"Wow, awesome! A sword!" Talo exclaimed.

"Have fun with that stick!" Saria told him, running into the woods.

* * *

Later at the spring…

"Uh, why is the gate locked?" Link asked.

"Because I don't want you bothering me!" Ilia answered.

"I thought you lived by the Elements of Harmony or whatever!" Saria said. "Why are you stealing Link's horse and refusing to let him take it back?"

"You can crawl through that hole over there," Colin told him, looking at a hole in the corner.

"All right then…"

A bit later…

"So Talo wandered into the woods?" Ilia asked.

"Yes," Colin replied, even though Talo did not wander into the woods but in fact ran recklessly.

Ilia turned to Link and Saria who just made it through the hole. "Well, it looks like Epona's injury isn't too serious."

"I'm pretty sure that if it were serious, Link would notice. It's not like Epona was limping or something," Saria told her.

"Well, you two can go on together on the delivery. I hope that you make it home safely."

"Don't worry, I'm sure nothing will happen!" Link said. Suddenly, though, a monster riding a boar and some others came bursting through the gate. "Oh come on!" One of them clubbed Link.

"Well this is annoying!" Saria said before getting clubbed and passing out. Another monster shot Ilia in the back. Colin fainted from horror.

"Take the cute girl, the kid and the horse! Ignore the ones that were clubbed for absolutely no reason!" the leader ordered.

A neigh came from a distance. Chase came running up, probably in attempt to save Epona. But all that happened was him getting captured as well.

Later, Link and Saria woke up in the spring.

"Good thing this water is magical," Saria stated. "We have to follow them! No one clubs _me_ in the head!"

So Link and Saria ran in the direction of where the monsters came from, which was the Faron Woods. However, there was a giant black wall in the way.

"Holy crap! Where did this come from?!" Link yelled. A hand reached out and grabbed them both, then pulling them through the wall.

"Let go!" Saria ordered, but did not get her way.

Link's Triforce of Courage suddenly shone, blinding the monster for a moment. It dropped them and ran off.

"I feel dizzy…" Link stated. "AUGH! TRANSFORMATION!" Link suddenly turned into a wolf and passed out _again_.

"What the heck…?" Saria wondered, but then the same thing happened to her.

"Well, well… This is quite interesting…" a voice off in distance said.

* * *

Saria shot awake probably an hour later. "Holy crap! What happened! I'm on four legs! This is all too unusual for me!" she yelled.

"Augh…" someone in the corner mumbled.

"Huh?" Saria turned around.

"I'm not feeling too well…"

"… Navi?"

"Wait, what? Who…?"

"You don't have a strategy guide this time, do you."

"Saria? You got turned into a wolf?"

"NAVI?" Link gasped, suddenly shooting awake. "It that really you? What happened? We just woke up in Ordon as if we'd always lived there and you weren't there!"

"Well, I woke up in the woods. I was trying to find you, but I couldn't get past the afro man. I know that he wants to sell a fairy to a museum. But then later, this darkness came. As a being of light, I can't live in this world, and I got captured. If I'm not out of here soon, I might die."

"But when my hand glowed, the monster freaked out. It seemed like their weakness was light!"

"It's a long story, really, and I'll just let you know that it took them awhile. They don't want beings of light in their world anyway, so they were _pretty _persistant. But I got so weak that it became easy for them. They brought me all the way here at-"

"I found you!" a creature exclaimed.

"HOLY CRAP!" they all screamed.

"Hehehe! You look surprised!"

"No duh!" Saria yelled, growling.

"Oh, you don't want to be growling like that! I was going to help you, but it doesn't look like you want any."

"Uh, never mind?"

"That's better." The imp created some magic in her hands and broke their chains.

"Whoa, I wish I could do that!"

"Now that I've broken the chains, I'm going to see if you're smart enough to find a way out of this old cell!" The imp floated up into the air and flew right through the bars.

"Smart enough? What is your problem?"

"I don't see any way out," Link stated.

"Shut up. Isn't it way too obvious?" Saria broke a box near the bars, revealing some dirt. "We dig out!"

"Right…"

"I'M DYING HERE!" Navi randomly stated. "We have to hurry and go see-"

"Shh! You don't want the monsters to hear you, do you?" the imp asked.

"Well, no, but-"

"Then be quiet!"

"Stop cutting me off!"

"Hmm," Link started, "Navi didn't like Tatl very much at the beginning of the Termina adventure, but they eventually warmed up to each other."

"Tatl is another fairy, Link. This is some kind of… cat imp thing."

"My name's _Midna_," the imp told her.

"How am I supposed to warm up to _her_?"

"How about you two just shut up while we get out of here?" Saria suggested. "I thought you were dying!"

"Oh, right."

"Wait… what?"

"Just come on," Midna told them. "You haven't even dug out of the cell yet."

Navi barely had enough energy to fly onto Link's head. He walked up to the bars. "You know, I probably could've flown through the bars, but I didn't have enough energy."

"Uh, how long ago did you get captured?" Saria asked.

"Fifteen minutes before you woke up here."

"… Seriously?"

"Yep."

"So… we got captured first but you've been in these woods the whole time."

"That's how awesome I am."

"Why the heck didn't you wake us up?!"

"I tried, but I could hardly even move, remember? It's not like I wanted to catch the attention of the guards or something."

"Right…"

"LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE!" Midna yelled. Saria dug out of the cell, with Link following behing her. Navi barely flew through the bars before falling onto Link's head again.

"Hey, where'd that imp go?"

Midna suddenly fell onto Link's back. He started running around like he was chasing his tail in attempt to get her off.

"Aw, what a playful little puppy!" Midna exclaimed. "He's chasing his tail."

"Stop, you're making me dizzy!" Navi ordered. Link immediantly stopped. "Thank you."

Midna grabbed Link's ear. "Listen… I think I'll get you out of here, but in exchange, you have to do exactly as I say!"

"Oh great, now I'm going to have _three _girls ordering me around?" Link asked.

"Hey, I don't order you around!" Navi told him. "I just want you to do stuff!"

"If you need anything from me, just press Z to give me a sign!" Midna told him. Yes, this is the _Gamecube _version if you haven't noticed already, since that's technically the original.

"What the heck is Z?" Saria asked. "That's a new button."

"You know, the purple one on the right side of the controller with the letter Z on it."

"Why does everybody keep thinking that we use buttons in stories?"

"Whatever, let's just get moving."

* * *

"AH! Floating flame!" Link exclaimed.

"That's not a flame, that's a spirit," Midna told him. "That's what… _most_ humans become when they enter the Twilight world."

"Wait, what?"

"I'm sure Zelda will be able to answer all your questions," Navi said.

"Zelda? Are we in Hyrule Castle? It doesn't look like it."

"Use your senses to see what the spirit is!" Midna ordered. "You're a wolf, you have senses." Link and Saria "turned on" their senses and looked at the spirit. It was a guard.

"Maybe we are in Hyrule Castle…"

Saria looked at Navi. She could see right through her glow.

"What?" Navi asked, raising an eyebrow. "… Oh, I get it. You can probably see through the glow, right?" Saria nodded.

"I'm so freaking scared!" the guard stated, clutching his spear.

"Of me?" Link asked.

"He can't see you," Midna said. "He can see everything but you. Well, us."

"Well that's a little strange. I could bite his leg and he wouldn't even notice?"

"He's a spirit, he's not physical!"

"So he has more special attack?"

"This isn't Pokémon!"

"Wait, so if I _could _attack him, would he turn into a werewolf, too?"

"You're not a werewolf!"

"I'm a special werewolf that only turns into one when I go into this weird place with black squares floating everywhere!"

"It's called twilight."

"Is the villain a vampire?"

"SHUT UP! This world has nothing to do with that crap! You turn into just a freakin' wolf when you go into the twilight, and this has nothing to do with that sucky series, so shut up! Zelda will answer EVERYTHING, so stop making dumb suggestions!" Midna turned to Navi. "Do you have to put up with this every day?!"

"Nah, not really. Link isn't really used to this, so that's why he's asking all these pointless questions."

"Augh!"

Navi looked down at Link. "Link, stop bothering her."

"Yes ma'am!" Link said immediantly.

"How come he listens to you?" Midna asked.

"Because I'm his guardian fairy, and he's learned over time not to ignore me."

"… You didn't beat him up, did you?"

"Nah, I just threatened to put an embarrassing picture of him in the most public places possible. And if that didn't work, _that's _when I'd beat him up."

"Let's just get to Princess Zelda already…"

* * *

Some time later, after a few mini puzzles, running across rooves and killing many creepy monsters, they finally made it to Princess Zelda.

She turned around. "… Midna?!" she exclaimed.

"Eee hee! You remembered my name? What an honor for me!" Midna said.

"So this is the one for whom you were searching?"

"He's not exactly what I had in mind, but I guess he'll do."

"Are you the same Zelda?" Link asked.

Zelda raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean, same Zelda?"

"… You're from here, right?"

Zelda nodded slowly. "Yeah…"

"Never mind then."

"See what I mean?" Midna asked.

"Hey, I'm here too," Saria told them.

Zelda glanced at the broken chains on their paws, "You were imprisoned?"

"Yep," Link answered.

"I am sorry."

"How about you explain everything that's going on here so that he shuts up about all the ridiculous ideas he's coming up with?" Midna suggested."… Twilight Princess!" She giggled.

"That's probably a good idea. You see, this was once the land were the power of the gods was said to slumber. This was once the kingdom of Hyrule. But that blessed kingdom has been transformed by the king, Zant, that rules the twilight."

"But Ordon doesn't have twilight," Link said. "Is Ordon really not part of Hyrule? And how does twilight change the name of the kingdom?"

"… Just be quiet. This land has been turned into a world of shadows, ruled by creatures who shun the light."

"… Help…" Navi muttered. "Have you not noticed me here yet…?"

"Flashback time!"

"Oh Nayru…"

_"Ah! Monsters!" the guards exclaimed._

_"Destroy them!" Zelda ordered._

_"Crap we're losing!"_

_"What the heck is wrong with my guards?!"_

_"Muahahaha! Invasion!" Zant stated, walking in. "Give me your kingdom!"_

_"No way!"_

_"Surrender or die!"_

_"Why should I?!"_

_"Because I gave your guards money to buy ice cream if they gave up!"_

_"Seriously?! I have the worst guards ever!"_

_"Now give me your kingdom!"_

_"Fine!" Zelda dropped her sword and all the land was covered in twilight. All the people in Castle Town turned into spirits._

"… And that's how it all happened," Zelda told them.

"… Wow, you _do _have the worst guards ever," Saria said.

"Yes I do… I don't even know how they became guards. Now the kingdom is covered in twilight, but I still remain its princess."

"But I thought you gave the kingdom to the creepy guy," Link spoke.

"That doesn't change the fact that I'm princess."

"I don't see the problem with all this," Midna stated. "Is twilight really all that bad?"

"Midna, this is no time for levity. The shadow beasts have been searching far and wide for you. Why is this?"

"Good question!"

"Wait, why did everybody turn into a spirit except you and us?" Saria asked.

"I'm protected by the Triforce of Wisdom," Zelda answered.

"Then why did we turn into wolves?"

"Well, he has the Triforce of Courage."

"Then why did he turn into a wolf rather than stay a person? And why the heck am _I _a wolf? I don't have a Triforce piece!"

"… Then… what's your title?"

"I'm a sage. Well, I suppose." (They went back in time, remember? I honestly don't know how it makes sense)

"But all the sages are old men that don't even have properly connected body parts."

"_Old men_?"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF NAYRU HELP ME SOMEHOW!" Navi yelled.

Zelda looked over at her, "Oh, sure." She held up her hand and after a few moments Navi had turned black and blue. "Now you're even more magical and turn from darkness to light depending on the area!"

"… Couldn't you have done that when we first ran into you?!"

"Yeah, probably." Navi groaned.

"What about me? I shouldn't be a wolf because it doesn't make sense," Saria said.

"Just a moment." Zelda walked over to her bookshelf and pulled out a book. She said something that they couldn't understand, but nothing happened. "… It's supposed to be a spell that gets rid of things that don't make any sense, but I don't know why it didn't work! … Wait. There's a note that says it doesn't work in twilight."

"So I'm going to stay a wolf?"

"Perhaps when you become human, and enter twilight again, that's when it will work. There's a note in the book that says that."

"How in the world could it have a note like that in there?"

"I bet the authoress put it in there just so it could be clear," Link stated.

"But it still doesn't make any sense that I'm a wolf at all!"

"Why don't you do that to me, Twilight?"

"My name's Zelda, not Twilight."

"But Midna called you Twilight Princess, so I thought that was relating to My Little Pony because of all this magic you can do."

"Believe me, that's _not _what I was referring to," Midna told him, groaning.

"And I'm not doing the spell on you because you're supposed to be a wolf," Zelda said. "Now you must make haste and leave. The guard will soon make his rounds."

"But they're all spirits," Link spoke. "They can't see us."

"Just go."

* * *

**Seriously Link, only YOU would use your brain that way…**

**See, in the game, Midna assumes Link is kind of stupid. (racist) In this, she is completely right, though. He IS stupid. Seriously stupid. Saria, you did a terrible job of raising that child. (because she did since the Deku Tree was a tree and couldn't keep track of a kid. I mean, what kind of toddler listen to a something that can't move?)**

**NEXT TIME, THOUGH, THE MY LITTLE PONY REFERENCES WILL END. YES, no more of them! FINALLY! THANK NAYRU!**

**… Bye.**


	4. Village Invasion

**hi**

**this is a pointless author's note**

**pastaaaaaaa!**

**… I don't own Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess  
Chapter 4: Village Invasion

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link was annoying, Navi was found, Saria had a spell done on her, Midna was very annoyed, and Zelda explained stuff._

_Now for Chapter Four._

"So, you know what's going on now?" Midna asked while they walked along the roof outside the window they left from.

"Evil shadows and creepy person want to take over the world," Link said.

"… Yeah… Anyway, I promised to get you out of here, so I'll let you go back to where you first tumbled into twilight… But are you really sure you should be going back? Are you sure you aren't forgetting anything important?"

"Well, that blonde kid and Ilia got captured," Saria spoke.

"Do you want to save them?"

"I guess. We probably have to, anyway."

"In that case, little Midna would be happy to help you! But… You'd have to be my servants, and like servants, you'd have to do exactly as I say!"

"Servants? No way. Can't you just hang around or something?"

"Okay, fine, maybe the term servant is too much. But you still have to do as I say."

"Like what?"

"I'll just explain later. So, why don't you go back, take a little time, and give this some thought. Eee hee hee!"

"Sure…"

* * *

"Whoa, what did you just…" Saria started.

"I warped you!" Midna said, cutting her off. "Cool, huh?"

"Why am I _still _a wolf?! We just left!"

"Sorry, but you warped out of the twilight, so you aren't going to be turning back to your original form any time soon. Too bad!"

"Gah!"

"Hey, just so you know, you really have no choice but to listen to me. Without me, you can't go back into twilight! You'd be a wolf forever unless another one of those monsters came along and walked up to the wall again and pulled you in. But that's not very likely, you know. The only way for you to not be a wolf is to probably get rid of the twilight or something. So, go get me a sword and shield!"

"… What does that have to do with anything?" Navi asked.

"I want to look awesome."

"… Seriously?"

"Yep. I bet that the villagers have some stuff I could use!"

"Wait a second… I just realized, but you're all black and stuff!" Link exclaimed.

"I'm hiding in your shadow because I'll die if I'm exposed to light."

"But you're out of it now!"

"Well, not exactly. It's a long story, so just go with it. Now go into the village!"

* * *

"What with all these monsters everywhere?" Saria wondered, attacking all the monsters that got in her way. They entered the main part of the village.

"There are monsters all over the place and the kids are missing! Whatever shall we do?!" Atop a cliff and man was talking to himself.

"Seriously? The other kids disappear _too_? This sucks."

"Hi there!" a cucco greeted.

"What the crap?"

"I'm Mrs. Feathers!"

"I'm Link!" Link said. "Nice to meet you!"

"You're not hunting, are you?"

"Of course not! I'm just sneaking around in the village to steal a sword and shield for my orange haired shadow friend."

"Oh, that's all? One guy is keeping a shield in his waterwheel house and another guy that looks really injured is keeping a sword on his couch."

"… Seriously?" Saria asked.

"Yep! But you better stay out of sight from the villagers, or else they'll freak out and lock up. But what's even more important is that you make sure you don't get seen by that villager up there because he's right next to the hawk grass and might think you kidnapped the children!"

"… You hear a lot for a cucco," Navi stated.

"Indeed I do. Now, those guys over there look like they're whispering about the shield! How about you sneak up to them and listen? Then after that, you can scare the hawk grass man from behind so he runs off by jumping off that rock, landing on the roof and jumping up behind him. Then you can leap onto the waterwheel and get through that window, going into the house, where the shield is!"

"… Do you have a strategy guide or something?"

"I told you I hear a lot! I also have a really good memory and figure out a lot of things just in case someone asks me something like that!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yep! And just so you know, you can call me Kevina! Some guy in green named me Kevin, but he didn't know I was a girl so I added an A at the end. I didn't have a name before that. Later I found a portal and turned into a cucco! Too bad I'm not a magical peacock like I used to be."

There was a long, awkward pause.

"… What…" Midna started, because she could not talk to animals(besides wolf Link and Saria, for some reason) and had no idea why there was an awkward silence.

"Kevin!" Link exclaimed. "Why didn't you appear in Majora's Mask more than once?"

"Are you that guy that named me Kevin?" Kevina asked.

"Yep!"

"I am a girl."

"Why'd you help us? How were you born? Oh, I have so many questions!"

"And I probably don't have time to answer them all. I have an appointment in fifteen minutes, so make it quick."

"So why'd you help us?"

"I was created for the sole purpose of getting you through things that the authoress didn't have any ideas for or was too lazy."

"AH HA!" Navi exclaimed. "I KNEW IT!"

"But however, that time in the Water Temple back in Ocarina of Time was because there was no possible way for you to get up that hill. And Link isn't really that good at sneaking, anyway, so I think it was either the lack of ideas or the fact that there was no other way to do it."

"But I thought you didn't remember anything after we went back in time," Link said.

"That was just an act."

"…"

"So then I didn't know it?" Navi asked. "I thought it was just laziness."

"Nope," Kevina answered.

"How come I couldn't talk to you before, by the way?"

"It's not that you couldn't, it's that you never actually did."

"So are you going to go on adventures with us?!" Link asked excitedly.

"Sorry, but I'm just a normal cucco. You know how people like to eat us so much. I'm staying here at the safety of this ranch."

"Can you at least distract everybody while we go around getting stuff?" Saria questioned. "I mean, everybody's just going to freak out if they see wolves running around their village."

"Nope!" Saria groaned while Kevina walked off.

"Hey, I was just wondering…" Navi started. "I know it makes sense that they stayed wolves after warping out because they came directly out of the twilight-"

"Not for _me_!" Saria interrupted.

"But Zelda said that I would change depending on the area."

"I guess it's the same thing for you," Midna said.

"How?"

"Hey, shouldn't we be getting my stuff rather than talking about random crap?"

"I wonder how Ilia would respond to that phrase," Link stated.

"HEY! SO ABOUT THAT SHIELD," Mayor Bo started(quite loudly), off in a distance.

"Shh! Not so loud!" the strange-looking man from earlier in front of him said.

"Hey, they're talking about a shield!" Link exclaimed. "Let's eavesdrop!"

"So Midna, you know, I already had a sword before I got turned into a wolf, so I was thinking maybe if we got another one…" Saria spoke.

"I know it's pathetic, so don't get any ideas," Midna told her. "I saw the whole turning into wolves thing, so I know."

"Dang it."

"Shield!" Navi reminded them.

"Right."

"I still can't hear them," Link stated. They walked closer. "I'm still hearing nothing but whispers."

"If we get too close, they'll see us," Midna said. "Well, see you, I mean."

Saria crept up close.

"So, you got the shield in your house, right?" Mayor Bo asked.

"Yep," the big headed man answered. "Safe from everything."

"But I don't get what you're hiding it from. It's just a piece of sanded wood shaped like a shield with a design painted on it. … Well, I guess that's kind of what a wooden shield is. But still, it's not _that _important."

"But it _looks _like a masterpiece, so I don't want anybody to take it! I even hid it up on a ledge that you can only access by taking a ladder, which I took down and buried! Now the only way in there is to go through the window that you can only access using either a ladder or jumping onto the waterwheel and onto the roof, which nobody could ever pull off. There's absolutely no way up there now, so we're safe!"

"But what's the point of making it if you can't even get to it anymore?"

"Umm…"

"You're pretty dumb for someone with such a big head."

"Hey, I-" The man paused and looked at Saria. "WOLF! AHHHH!" They both ran away. Surprisingly, though, even though they yelled as loud as they could, the man on top of the cliff didn't notice.

"So we have to use the waterwheel to get my shield," Midna said. "It looks like we have to get that guy off the cliff first before we get reach there."

"I'll deal with this," Navi told her. She flew up right behind the man, who didn't know she was there. "HEY!"

"AH! HOLY CRAP!" the man screamed, turning around.

"Quick! Get inside your house! They're coming!"

"AHHH!" The man quickly ran into his house.

Navi flew back to them. "Problem solved."

"Wow, I can't believe he bought that," Saria stated.

After they jumped over the waterwheel with the help of Midna…

"How in the world is you floating over there helping us defy gravity and jump ridiculous distances?!" Saria asked.

"It just does," Midna answered.

… They went through the window, knocked the shield off another window and took it.

**_Saria stole the Ordon Shield!_**

"Man, this shield is crap!" Midna exclaimed. "I was hoping for something better, but I guess this will have to do for now."

"Hey, at least it looks better than Link's first shield," Saria said. "I never got a wooden shield, though."

"Come to think of it, all of the shields that we had in Ocarina of Time were stolen," Navi stated. "He stole the Deku Shield because he didn't have enough money, and the shopkeeper was stupid enough to let him, Saria stole the two Hylian Shields while graverobbing, and the Mirror Shields were both technically stolen from the Spirit Temple."

"You know what's really weird? Somehow, that guy at the Trading Post in Clock Town sold the shields that we came to Termina with."

"What the heck are you guys talking about?!" Midna yelled. "I'm so confused!"

"Previous adventures."

"Wait, you've been on adventures before this? I thought you were just ranch workers!"

"That's what everybody thinks. You might as well know that we don't actually live here. Believe it or not, we came through a portal in our Hyrule and woke up in our houses, not that long ago."

"… A portal? Seriously? You expect me to believe that?"

"Yep," Link said.

"Now I'm starting to think the _both _of you are crazy."

"Do I sound crazy?" Saria asked.

"You used to," Navi stated.

"Shut up."

"But seriously, there is absolutely no possible way that you could've come through a portal to get into this world," Midna said. "A lot of people know about the Mirror of Twilight, but nobody's ever heard of a portal going to a different Hyrule."

"The Mirror of what?" Link asked.

"… Never mind. But the whole portal thing just makes no sense."

"What would you say if I told you I was a Kokiri?" Saria questioned.

"A what?"

"Exactly."

"… I don't understand…"

"Can't you just believe that we're from a different world?" Navi asked. "Let's just say that Link is a twelve year old Hylian in our world, Saria is a Kokiri, which is a child that never grows up, and we all live in a forest that _had _a tree for a guardian until he died. I know it sounds crazy but it's real."

"Why would I believe any of this? It's all nonsense!"

"All right, fine then, whatever. You can go along with everything that goes on without understanding how we know so much about getting through adventuring."

"… Just go get the sword…"

A few minutes later…

"Look! A limping guy!" Link exclaimed.

Kevina walked up to them, "I think the sword is in their house. Just dig on the side of their house without getting seen and the sword is just sitting there on the couch."

"It's a blade, right?" Saria asked.

"Yes." Saria grinned.

"A sword on a couch in plain sight. Great idea," Navi muttered sarcastically.

"I'm going to get the sword!" Saria stated, running off. It wasn't too long before she came back with the sword, because she's obviously a ninja.

"All right, so now you have a sword. Looks like you can actually be useful when you concentrate!" Midna said.

Saria growled. "I really don't like you at all."

"Okay, now no more detours. I'm going to take you back into the twilight. Go back to the woods where you first transformed into that shape!"

"So why are we going back there?" Link asked.

"What, you plan on sticking around in this village as a wolf for the rest of your life?"

"No."

"Then go back to the twilight wall."

"… Is that a cat by the water?" Saria asked Navi.

"I think so…" Navi answered.

"I think we were supposed to get it back into that lady's house…"

"What?"

"Oh right, you weren't there."

"Come on!" Midna yelled.

* * *

"Right up here," Midna said, guiding them.

"Hey, I know my way, I've been here before!" Link told her. "And it's not even that far away!"

"I just want to make sure there are no distractions! I don't want to go running into any monsters or anything!"

"Wait, come to my spring before you leave…" a voice coming from the Ordon Spring called.

"No! We're going now!"

"But this is important…"

"All right, fine. But make it quick! We have plenty of work to do!"

"We don't even know what we're supposed to do, though!" Saria yelled.

"I'll tell you later."

"But that's annoying! Can't you at least give us a simple explanation?"

"If I tell you now you'll have too many questions! It will make more sense later!"

"COME TO MY SPRING!" the voice shouted to get their attention.

"Right…" So they entered the spring, only to be surrounded by a barrier and a monster falling out of a portal in the sky.

"Beware, a shadow being approaches…"

"Kill it, quick!" Midna ordered. "And why the heck are you telling us that _after _it falls down?"

"Nobody cares…"

"Ugh, I hate having to kill things with my teeth rather than a sword." Saria destroyed the monster and a blue portal appeared at the top of the sky. A giant, shiny goat appeared in front of them. Midna quickly hid away.

"O brave youth… I am one of the four light spirits that protect Hyrule at the behest of the gods. I am Ordona," the spirit told them.

"HA! I KNEW THIS WAS PART OF HYRULE!" Link stated. "… So why did Rusl say it like it wasn't…?"

"Wait, how do you know his name?" Saria asked him.

"I _had_ a magic character description list! It automatically adds characters as we meet them, and adds data we've learned about them, so don't worry about anything being revealed."

"That sounds like something Navi would have. And _had_?"

"I dropped it when we went through that black wall…"

"But I picked it up again!" Midna said, holding up a notepad.

"Oh, I guess I didn't lose it!"

"But you and not Navi?" Saria asked.

"Hey, Navi had a strategy guide in the last story, and usually knows everything. Sometimes a change is nice. But now it looks like Midna's going to have it…"

"I think I was talking," Ordona spoke.

"Oh, right."

"The black beast you slayed was a shadow being. It had come to seize the power of light I wield. My brethren in Hyrule have already had their light stolen by these fell beasts. The entire kingdom has been reduced to a netherworld ruled by the cursed powers of darkness."

"So what's so bad about twilight…?" Saria asked. "Besides the fact that Link is a wolf once we deal with my wolf and human situation."

"What do you mean what's so bad?!"

"If the spirits can't see physical things, and physical things can't attack or usually see spirits, there's nothing bad about it for anyone, except for Link that is."

"It's darkness! And us spirits don't like being weak and helpless!"

"But the sky does look pretty cool."

"Finally! Someone who realizes there's nothing bad about twilight!" Midna exclaimed. "Zant may be my enemy, but that doesn't mean I'm against twilight in this land."

"Wait, Zant?"

"He's the villain. You know, the guy in Zelda's flashback."

"Right…"

"But if you are going to be a physical human when you go into the twilight another time, the monsters will be able to see you."

"I can defeat them easily. And how come you know-"

"They can bring each other back to life if there's one left! And nobody else will be able to see you, because they're all spirits. Wouldn't you rather be able to be noticed instead of people acting like you aren't even there?"

"Okay, fine, the twilight is fine, but the side effects aren't so fine… Midna, why do those stupid things even exist? The monsters and the whole spirit thing?"

"Well, the humans turning into spirits is normal," Midna answered. "But the shadow monsters are a creation of Zant."

"Well that sucks. Can't you undo the spirits? You look like one of those… whatever they're called."

"Twili. And no, I can't. And besides, wouldn't it be better to leave the spirits as they are if I could? They don't even know that they're spirits, and that is why they're all hiding away from the monsters, and I know that because I've been looking around… But if they become physical, the monsters _could _see them."

"What is the point of wasting your time trying to find a solution to all this rather than just getting rid of the twilight?!" Ordona yelled.

"All right, fine!" Saria said. "Just get one with your speech."

"Okay… The blight will not stop with Hyrule. Before long, the entire world of light will fall into the hands of the king who rules the twilight. To save this land from the king of twilight, the lost light must be recovered. The three light spirits who have lost their light must be revived. There is but one… I mean, two who can revive them and redeem this land… You."

"What about me?" Navi asked.

"… But you're just another being of light. How come you're-"

"Magic from Zelda."

"Oh. Anyway, those transformed by twilight usually can't recover their original forms, unless you were to return to the Faron Woods where you were first transformed and revived the light spirit. There, by the power of the light spirit, you may find the means to regain your other state of being."

"Oh, so _that's _why I'm still a wolf!" Link said.

"So I can't become human again until we get rid of the twilight? Well crap," Saria stated. "I guess we have to go get rid of it, then."

"All right then, we're going back to the twilight!" Midna told them.

"Okay, okay. We're going."

* * *

**My little brother is singing the Malo Mart theme right now…**

**I'm probably going to start leaving off these notes at the bottom…**

**Bye…**


	5. Awesomer than You

**My eleven year-old brother has started watching Attack on Titan thanks to my fangirlism. He watched SIXTEEN episodes in one day. What the heck?!**

**It was at this moment I realized that my little brother is literally growing up… seriously, after all these years of putting up with an immature kid, he's ACTUALLY growing up. And I know that because he didn't run away crying after watching AoT. And then he's going to suddenly be as tall as me, I'm going to freak out whenever I see him and-**

**Wait, this has absolutely nothing to do with you! Why am I telling you?! I'M SPOUTING THINGS…**

**I DON'T OWN ZELDA…**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess  
Chapter 5: Awesomer than You

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link, uh… Augh, I really need to make him do more. Navi scared someone, Saria stole a sword and shield, Midna kind of learned their life(but didn't believe it) and Kevin, who was actually a girl and added an A at the end of her name, had turned into a cucco._

_Now for Chapter Five._

"Big, scary wall," Link stated, while they walked up to the twilight wall.

"Now," Midna started, "In order for you to get back in there, I'll have to pull you in there forcefully with my magic ponytail that can turn into a giant hand. Got that?"

"That sounds painful!"

"Don't worry, it'll only last for a few seconds."

"But seriously? Is the giant hand necessary?" Saria asked.

"I can't just push you in or anything like that. First of all, my hair is my only strength, and second, I need to be completely behind the wall first. To put it shortly, yes, the giant hand is necessary."

"Well that sucks… I just wish I could be human again. Well, technically I'm not actually human, I'm Hylian… In this world, at least."

"Stop messing with me!"

"I'm not messing with you! You haven't seen me with a real sword yet!"

"Augh, whatever." Midna flew right through the twilight wall and pulled Link in.

"Holy crap!"

"You're next!" She pulled Saria in.

"Wow, Link fainted? He's so pathetic."

"Actually, I was a little more forceful on him because he kind of annoys me."

"You're not the only one…"

"Have I become unimportant or something?!" Navi yelled. "Ugh. Wake up, Link!" She kicked his forehead.

"Ow…" Link muttered. "Did Navi just kick me?"

"Yes," Saria answered.

"Why did that hurt?"

"Because I'm awesome," Navi told him.

"So these are the weapons you use in your world?" Midna said, sitting on Link's back, holding the sword and with the shield on her face.

"Uh, Midna, you don't put the shield on your face," Saria spoke.

"You really think this thing can slay the creatures of the twilight?" Despite having tiny arms, Midna was able to hold up the sword. "Hiya!" She swung the sword all over. Link ducked his head down quickly.

"I didn't say anything about that! You just said you wanted a sword and shield to look cool! I doubt you'll even use them."

"Meh, whatever. You're probably going to end up using them anyway." Midna tossed the shield onto Link's face.

"Augh! I can't see!" Link stated, jumping around like crazy, leading to him hitting his head on a wall. Midna snapped her fingers and the sword and shield disappeared into black squares.

"You know, if you were smart, instead of jumping around, you should've shook your head to get the shield off."

"I'm surprised the shield didn't fall off at all…" Navi said.

"So what the heck are we doing next?" Saria asked.

"Right," Midna spoke. "I need you to gather some things for me, so just continue along for now and I'll tell you."

"Uh… Okay?"

"AUUUUGH! MY HEAD!" Link yelled.

"Shut up," Midna ordered. "Do you want them to find us?"

"Who?"

"The shadow monsters, duh."

"Well it's not very obvious when you say 'them'. I though you were talking about the aliens."

"… What?"

"Midna wasn't with us in Termina, Link," Navi told Link.

"Just go already."

A few minutes later, a bunch of thick, black sticks fell from the sky and a barrier appeared. Three shadow monsters fell from a portal above them.

"Oh great, look what you've done!" Midna yelled. "I'll just wait over here for you to defeat them." She flew off to the side.

"Are you kidding me? You're way more useless than I thought you were!" Saria said.

"Hey, it's your fault they're here in the first place."

"Bob! Stop reading books!" one of the shadow monsters shouted. He sounded like an old man.

"I ain't eating crooks, Carl! Have you gone crazy?!" Bob yelled. He also sounded like an old man.

"Huh, it seems like they're half deaf old men," Midna stated.

"Haven't we run into a Carl before…?" Link pondered, trying to remember where.

"My name ain't Daisy!"

"I didn't say it was!" Bob told Carl.

"You ate a lot of fuzz?! Why?!" Carl asked.

"What about the third one?" Link asked.

"YO DAWG!" the third shadow monster yelled, who was wearing a pair of sunglasses.

"Oh my Din…" Saria muttered, dropping her head.

"Hurry up and kill them, they're getting on my nerves!" Midna ordered.

"Yes _master_."

"Shut up."

Saria beat up all the creatures and they were all defeated.

"… What the crap? I thought that they revived each other!"

"Well, two of them _were _really old and partially deaf, and I don't think they were even paying attention," Saria told her. "What were you expecting? Did you _want _to help?"

"Well, no."

"Then be glad that they were stupid this time."

* * *

"Hey!" a faint light called from the Faron Spring.

"Another spirit?" Saria asked.

"You know… Well, this isn't a very good situation now, is it? The majority of Hyrule being covered with darkness and creepy monsters?"

"Duh."

"Well, worry no more! With the new Shiny Grapevine, you can gather all the Tears of Shininess from the invisible oversized bugs in the area, and it will bring light back to this area! And it's only 40 rupees!"

"FARON!" a voice yelled.

"OW!" It wasn't visible to the team, but it sounded like Faron just got kicked in the face. … Somehow.

"YOU ARE _NOT _A SALESMAN!"

"Aw, but you don't even know how long I practiced that!"

"OF COURSE I DO!"

"Oh right…"

"NOW GIVE IT TO THE HEROES!"

"All right, all right…"

**_Link and Saria got the Shiny Grapevine!_**

"I also have this plasma TV-"

"_We're leaving_," Saria interrupted.

* * *

So, after a few hours of bug hunting-

"THEY WERE STEALING MY BATMAN FIGURINE COLLECTION!" the drug man screamed.

No one cares about you. Anyway, after a few hours of bug hunting, they finally obtained all the tears of the Faron Woods and were forced to return to the annoying Faron.

At least when the twilight was removed they were humans… well, people again. You can't really call them humans.

"FINALLY!" Saria cheered. "I was getting so sick of that form!"

"Wait…" Link started, "Why do you have the new sword and not me?"

"Because I'm awesomer than you."

"She has a point," Midna stated.

"What?!" Link yelled. "Navi, she's not better than me, is she?"

"Well…" Navi started.

"Back for that plasma TV, eh?" Faron asked, in his real form. He looked like some kind of raccoon thing.

"NO!" Saria shouted.

"Did you realize you were wearing different clothes?"

Saria looked down, "Oh, I guess I am. I didn't notice because they were so similar to my old clothes."

"What?! No they aren't!"

"No, my old _old _clothes."

"… What?"

"Saria, this is a different dimension," Navi reminded her.

"Hey, Saria has the new shield too!" Link stated. "How come all I get is a stick?!"

"Oh right, I forgot to give this to you," Faron said. "Both the heroes need real swords, obviously."

**_Saria got the Awesome Sword!_**

"Oh cool, a sword that's better than this thing!" Saria exclaimed. She tossed the old sword at Link. Thankfully, it wasn't unsheathed.

"… She still gets a better sword…" Link muttered.

The new sword had a silver handle with a red gem in the middle, and a blueish blade. Just pointing that out, just so you know how much more awesome it is than the Ordon sword.

"It's beautiful…" Saria spoke, hugging the new sword.

"I'm guessing you're going to give her a new shield too?" Link asked, annoyed. "… She always gets the better stuff."

"Actually, no," Faron answered. "Since wooden shields are flammable, obviously, people sell replacements. You can just buy another one."

"Ugh." Link knew that it would probably be him buying it, anyway.

"So where the heck are we going now?" Saria asked.

"You have to destroy the evil power that lies deep in the woods," Faron answered.

"Which means we have to go to a temple and defeat a boss, I'm guessing?"

"Yep."

Saria sighed, "All right, let's go… Wait, but first, here." She tossed the Ordon Shield at Link. "I don't need a shield anyway, I'm too fast for anything to hit me."

"Um, thanks…" Link answered.

* * *

"Hey, there's the entrance to the temple!" Midna exclaimed.

"… It's blocked by a web…" Link spoke.

"BURN IT WITH FIRE!" Saria yelled, taking Link's lantern and burning the giant web down.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! How did we get here?! Didn't we skip something?!" Navi asked.

"Well, I remember there being a motorcycle, a few burning trucks, a flying green cucco, some giant guns, a zombie horde, a Dunsparce, the Xmen, Santa Claus-"

"No, no! Not that part! The part with the purple fog and the monkey."

"I don't remember that."

"Whatever, it doesn't matter. Let's just go into the temple."

"You know, people need to stop saying things like that! Like, 'let's go already', or 'just go'."

"Well sorry… I'm just saying to move on."

A monkey wearing sunglasses suddenly ran out of the temple, "Heh heh heh! Now that I've planted bombs all over the Forest Temple, I can finally get rid of all those pesky monkeys and their leader! Once I press this button-"

"Wait, you're going to blow up the temple?!" Navi asked.

"Yeah, problem?"

"DO IT DO IT DO IT! It'll save us a lot of trouble!" Saria told the monkey. "Wait a sec, how are we talking to this monkey?"

"I'm not a monkey, I'm that clown from the McDonalds commercial in disguise."

A "DUN DUN DUUUUN" was heard in the background.

"I KNEW he was up to no good!" Link stated.

"I WANT TO SEE THE EXPLOSION!" Saria yelled.

"Quiet! The cops are looking for me, you know!" the monkey said.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN! Wait! The clown from the commercials just showed up!

"He's framing me! He's not actually me, he's the Burger King!" the clown insisted.

DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

"You know, it would be SO much easier if you just blew up the temple so we could leave," Saria told them.

"Good idea," said the suspicious monkey. He pulled out the button and pressed it. The top of the Forest Temple blew up, following more after everybody took cover.

"Look!" Midna exclaimed, pointing up to a giant eye that was flying out of the temple.

"I'd rather not," Link said, covering his eyes.

The eye hit the ground and blew up. A black object was left behind.

"Hey, where'd the monkey and the clown go?" Saria wondered.

"There it is!" Midna stated, floating over to the black object.

"Didn't we come here to defeat an evil power?"

"Well, actually, this is kind of part of what I wanted to you gather for me. This is a piece of the Fused Shadow that I need."

"Dang!" Navi yelled. "I didn't have a chance to call the police before they left…"

"So let me guess," Saria said, "the other pieces are in other temples?"

"Exactly," Midna answered.

"Wait a second," Navi said. "We need to do _that _much?!"

"Pretty much. And besides, I'm being searched for, so it's kind of easier if I have more people doing the work for me- I mean helping me out."

"HEY! I just realized something!" Link stated. "If I have a chain on my leg as a wolf, why did it disappear when I turned back to normal?"

There was a long pause.

"… I don't know…" Midna replied.

"Well, your clothes DID change after you transformed, so that could be part of it," Navi said. "Maybe the chain was just removed."

A large monkey jumped out of the still-exploding temple. "I AM ALIVE!" he stated to the world.

"Who the heck are you?" Saria asked.

"I am a monkey! And I escaped an exploding temple!"

"That doesn't tell me anything."

"Oh, here, you can have this boomerang, I don't know why I have it."

**_Saria got the Gale Boomerang!_**

"I remember hearing the temple blowing up and running for my life. Then I found this in my invisible pocket!" The monkey ran away after saying this.

"Cool boomerang," Saria stated. She threw it, and a whirlwind followed it where it went. "Okay, now that's awesome."

"I never get anything cool!" Link yelled. "This is so annoying. You always get all the items."

"Yeah, but you can't even throw a boomerang."

"Not true! I got one in the first adventure, remember?"

"You never used it."

"Eh…"

* * *

"Heroic Link-" Faron started, but they all ran past him. "Hey, I'm talking to you!"

"Do we really need to listen to you talk some more?" Saria asked. "Do you actually have anything useful to tell us?"

"I was going to tell you where you were supposed to go next."

"Well, spit it out, then."

"You need to go to Kakariko Village in the Eldin Province, through Hyrule Field-" The team was already gone. "Darn kids…"

* * *

"Hey Navi, remember that time when I tripped and broke a case with blue moss in it?" Link asked Navi, slicing a nearby monster.

"How could I? You were acting like a complete dork," Navi told him. "Besides, it wasn't actually that long ago. Technically, it was a few weeks ago."

"It seems like it was more because we kept restarting the three days."

Midna was listening for some reason. "Holy crap!" she exclaimed. "You could control time?!"

"Pretty much. I don't know about now, though," Navi replied.

"Hey Midna, is there blue moss in this Hyrule?" Link asked Midna.

"Not that I know of," Midna answered. "Don't take my information, though, I don't know much about the world of light."

"Where's the next temple supposed to be?" Saria questioned.

"Hmm…" Midna pondered for a few moments. "Go over to that yellow cloud, it's more twilight. Where else is there to go?"

"Yeah, good point."

A few minutes later, while walking over to the yellow cloud of twilight…

"HEEEEEY!" a voice yelled. An ugly looking postman ran up to them.

"Oh goddesses!" Saria exclaimed. "Are _you _the postman?! Great."

"That black wall up there is in the way of the path to Kakariko Village, you should turn back. There's no point in trying to get through, you can't!"

"Well, at least you aren't as obsessed as that other guy…"

"Well, anyway, I have a letter for Mr. Link! Danananananana!" The postman handed a letter to Link. "Well, until next time!" He jogged away.

"… This letter is actually from him," Link stated. "Couldn't he have just told me?" He ripped open the envelope and pulled out the paper. "Dear Mr. Link, I am the postman! It's nice to meet you!"

Everyone anime fell.

"What kind of dumb letter is that?!" Saria yelled.

Link tossed the letter behind him and kept walking. A nearby monster ate it.

* * *

"Well, here's another wall," Navi stated, as they stared at the giant wall in front of them.

"You ready?" Midna asked.

Navi paused. "Whoa whoa whoa, how did I get through the wall last time? Nothing was written in or anything…"

"I think that spell Zelda cast on you gave you the ability to fly through the walls, too."

Navi shrugged. "That makes sense."

After Midna forcefully pulled Link and Saria through the wall…

"Wow, I actually stayed conscious this time!" Link stated.

"Barely," Saria muttered. "At least I'm not a wolf!"

"Unfair."

"Why does it matter? You hardly ever fight, anyway, and the only advantage to being in human form is the sword and maybe some other items."

Midna crashed down on Link's back.

"OW! That hurt!" Link yelled.

"Wait… How are we talking to each other, anyway?" Saria wondered. "We shouldn't be able to understand Link."

"Ugh, this story is sooo slow," Navi randomly stated. "It's different for Majora's Mask, since it's one of the writer's favorite games, but the writer doesn't know much about this game since it's so long. That's probably why she blew the Forest Temple up."

"What are you saying?"

"Either this story is going to take quite a long time to get through a lot of things, or it's going to be zipped right through and tons of things will be skipped."

"You know, that's what it was like at the beginning of Ocarina of Time! We kept on skipping everything, and when we came to something, it involved a random outburst and something dying. I think. Either that or something that had to do with plot."

"Usually…"

"What, did you just say that other thing to change the subject?"

"Not really, I was just stating a fact. I bet we can understand Link because it would be boring if all he did was bark. It would be even worse that way, considering he would not like it that we couldn't understand him."

Link barked for no reason, "Hehe… Now I can annoy you guys." He turned his head and spotted something on the ground. "Is that a broken wooden sword?"

"I think that's the one Talo borrowed from you," Saria told him. "Speaking of which, I still have this piece of crap in my pocket." She pulled the old wooden sword out of her pocket, since she didn't have it on her back anymore. Legend of Zelda magic, woot. She broke it on the wall. "Wow, that IS pretty stupid."

"Hey, that's kind of mean, considering it was a gift," Link said.

"I'll just say it broke and I got a new one in the most polite way possible. Easy."

"_You _can speak politely?"

Awkward silence.


	6. Pauses and Obsession

**Look, I know I've been updating inconsistently and hardly ever for someone with a finished story on their hands an a ton of free time. But seriously, the reason for this is that I'm kind of waiting for a little more attention. When that failed, I just waited longer, because it kind of made me feel like I was updating for hardly a good reason.**

**I know this is completely unreasonable, yeah, yeah… so that's why I'm updating now. Don't kill meh…**

**I don't own Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess  
Chapter 6: Pauses and Obsession

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link kept switching from idiot to smart-aleck, Navi explained stuff, Saria encouraged terrorism, Midna was pretty obnoxious, and the Burger King blew up the Forest Temple. OR WAS IT HIM? WHO IS THE REAL GUILTY ONE?_

_Now for Chapter Six._

"See, what the monkey said was that he planted bombs all over the Forest Temple since he wanted to get rid of the rest of the monkeys living there. He also said he was the clown from the McDonalds commercials, but then the supposedly real clown showed up and said that the monkey was actually the Burger King. But there's a possibility that it could've actually been someone else, pretending to be him. Or, the real one behind it all might've forced or payed the other person to pretend to be guilty. What's important is that the monkey did not say anything about NOT being the Burger King," Navi explained into the cell phone.

"Navi, who the heck are you calling?" Saria asked. Navi practically ignored her and continued all the information and theories she had before hanging up. "WHO WAS THAT?!"

"A detective, obviously! Who else would I be telling all that to? Besides, I'm the only witness that seems to care."

"She's got a point," Midna stated. "WHOA!"

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha, muahahahaha!" Link laughed maniacally, running away incredibly fast. "Who's faster now?!"

"Hold it, Link! You're supposed to be finding the children!" Navi told him.

"I am?"

"Yeah, since you're a wolf, we kind of expected you to follow the scent of the kids or something."

"… You did…?"

"Just do it, you need to."

After a little while, a barrier fell from the sky and trapped them. Three shadow monsters fell from a portal in the sky.

"… Not this again…" Saria complained.

"Eh? Jo, how did we get here?" one of them asked. Again, it sounded like an old man.

"I'm not sure, Steve," another replied. This one too.

"Are they ALL like this?" Midna said, annoyed.

"Hey! We aren't deaf like those other guys that were sent last time!" Steve told them. "They weren't sent to stop you or anything, we just wanted to get rid of 'em."

"You not being deaf doesn't make you more of a challenge-" Saria started, but was smacked into a wall. "YOU FREAKING LITTLE- I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!"

"Hey, wait a second, how come you're not a spirit or anything?" Jo asked. Saria stabbed him as hard as she could in the most violent possible way. Ick.

"Hey, don't forget they can bring each other back to life!" Midna reminded her. "These guys are actually paying attention this time!"

"I know that!" Saria yelled. She looked back at the shadow monsters. "Hey, don't you think this is a little unfair?! Three against one?!"

"Well, actually, we-" one of them started.

"DIE!" Saria did a spinning slash and took out both of the other two at once.

"Ah, violent and angry Saria," Link said. "Scary, but incredibly helpful."

"That was the most fun I've had in a while," Saria stated, sheathing her sword. "And that proves my life is boring, since they didn't put up much of a fight."

"Hey, wait a second! There's no bridge to get across this chasm!" Navi pointed out. She knew that Kevin would not come to the rescue this time. "Now what?"

"Remember that random bridge we saw in the woods that was skipped?" Link asked. "I bet that was this bridge! They probably KNEW we were coming and took it out!"

"No problem," Midna said. She snapped her fingers and the bridge materialized. It floated over the chasm, right where it was supposed to be.

"… What the heck?"

"I grabbed it while you weren't looking."

"But it's a BRIDGE, for crying out loud! How can you _grab _that?" Navi asked.

"Because I'm MIDNA! Obviously!"

"I think I'll just go with that rather than argue…"

* * *

"Oh my DIN! It's a gate!" Link stated. "With BLOOD STAINS ON IT! Now where have I seen that before?"

"Pffffft," Saria did a _very _long pfft. "That's not blood, it's just ketchup."

"How do you know that?"

"I tasted it."

"_OH MY- WHAT?!_"

"I'm just kidding! They look _way _different."

"Greg, have you seen my ketchup?" a nearby monster asked another.

"You spilled it on that fence, remember?" the other responded.

"How can ketchup spill?"

"You mixed it with water for some reason."

There was a pause in the whole area.

"All right, Midna, I've come to the conclusion that pretty much all of your race is made of up idiots," Saria told Midna. Geez, Saria, ever heard of racism?

"They aren't part of our race!" Midna yelled.

* * *

"Whoa, this Kakakakakokokoko Village looks way different," Link pointed out. Holy crap, he's still calling it that.

"Well DUH, it's covered in twilight," Saria told him, deciding to ignore the fact that he's still calling the village by that name.

"No, I mean in general. Where's the color green?"

Guess what? Another barrier fell from the sky and then came more shadow monsters.

"Ugh, MORE of you?" Saria complained.

"OH CRAP! IT'S A REAL PERSON! WITH A SWOOORD!" one of them shrieked.

"RUUUN!" another one yelled. The shadow monsters tried to run off, but ran into the barrier and died.

O_o

Navi blinked, "What… the freak?"

"Didn't see that coming…" Midna said.

The spirit of the spring they were in front of came out. Well, that glowy yellow version of it. "Greetings, hero-" it started, but was interrupted.

"Yeah, yeah, we need to get the Shiny Grapevine and collect all the Tears of Shininess so we can get rid of the twilight. We know," Link said.

"Eh, right. Well, I might as well tell you I'm Eldin, and I protect this part of the land."

"Sure, you're _protecting _it, but why does the grass stop immediantly once you get to the gate?" Saria asked. "It just cuts off, and after that, everything seems to be dead."

"I don't know. It was already like that. I think the only reason the village is right here is because it's conviently placed within these natural walls, next to this spring."

"Guys, let's just go get the tears…" Navi said.

* * *

"Look! A way to get onto the roof!" Link exclaimed. After jumping on a few platforms, there was a weak spot on the roof practically made out of straw.

Inside the house were a bunch of spirits. Link 'turned on' his sense and jumped. "It's the children!"

"What are they doing _here_?" Saria wondered.

"I'm so scared!" Talo said. "And I'm not usually scared! I haven't been this scared since the time Beth hid a ton of Barbies under my quilt back when I was five!"

"I just _know _my Link will come and save me, he loves me!" Beth stated.

"He doesn't love you, you just made that up."

"He does too love me! He told me so as we watched the sunset together!"

"That was a dream," Malo spoke quietly.

"Dreams can come true! Wait, how do you know that?!"

"Well, let's just say Talo came across your diary while we were forced to clean out your house since I was blamed with him for something I didn't even know about. He was reading it aloud, and I couldn't really ignore him since he was _trying _to read it to me. I seem to be somehow blamed for everything since that time I filled your house with pumpkins that one time willingly after you egged our house and got away with it just by blaming a cucco and a pig."

A long time ago, in Ordon…

"I can't believe I have to help you clean this dumb house," Malo said.

"Oh come on! You definitely helped me with that prank!" Talo told him.

"No I didn't! I didn't even know about it!"

"… Really? Maybe that was Colin pretending to be you, he is the master of disguises after all. I never knew he was the revenge type, though. Hey, what's this?" Talo picked up a pink book with lots of sparkles on it. "I think I found Beth's diary!"

"Put it back, I'll be in trouble for yet another thing."

"_Dear Diary, last night I had a dream that Link confessed to me! OMGOMGOMG! I love him like so much, and I like totally know that he loves me in real life, he's just too shy to admit it. I know he'll tell me at some point since I dreamed it! _Isn't that ridiculous, Malo? She thinks that Link loves her."

"… Shut up…"

Back in the present…

"I guess it's a good thing that you didn't figure it out until now, which is when we don't have time to think about things like that," Malo said.

"What are you talking about?!" Beth yelled.

"Shh!" a nearby guy with long hair told her. "Have you forgotten what situation we're in?"

"I want to destroy him!"

"Does that matter? We already know that you think Link loves you, so it doesn't make much of a difference," Malo pointed out.

Link sighed, "Kids…"

"Aw, isn't that too bad," Midna said. "The people you came to save are talking about you right now as if you're not here, yet you're right in front of them." Apparently, she could see spirits too. This wasn't very clear when they first came across spirits.

"I don't really care." For no apparent reason, Link grabbed a stick, lit it and lit all the torches in the room.

"Oh my Nayru! The torches lit themselves!" Talo exclaimed.

"I knew Link would come to save us! He's just invisible!" Beth said.

"Yeah right… You know, it could be anything else. Possibly something out to kill us."

"No, it's Link."

"It's an evil ghost."

"It's Link!"

Saria groaned, "Shut up already… Why can they see each other, and see the monsters, but not _us_?"

"Beats me," was all Midna answered with.

A statue in the center of the room suddenly moved, since that was what lighting the torches was supposed to do.

"How do people make things like this, anyway…?" Navi wondered.

"Oh Din, oh Din! There's another one!" an old guy peeking out a window said.

"Um, how long has that guy been there?" Talo asked.

"I'm not sure…" the long haired guy said.

"They're comin' for us! They're comin'!" the old guy stated.

"Can we leave already?" Saria asked. "I'm getting sick of these people, to be honest."

"You're not the only one," Midna spoke.

* * *

So, the team continued to collect the tears. They broke through another roof, broke a window, broke a shelf… Wow, they broke a lot of stuff.

"Come 'ere you little bug!" Link said, leaping at a insect like a kitten. It hid inside a house that was labeled as a storage house for a nearby shop. "Into this random hole that's conviently placed so I can get inside!" Link crawled into the random hole that was conviently placed so he could get inside.

"Whoa, this place is filled with explosives!" Midna exclaimed.

"Really?! Blow up the building!" Saria answered immediantly. "Blow it up! Blow it up! BLOW IT UP!"

"Wow, look, a fireplace!" Link stated. "Why would someone fill a building with explosives when it has a fireplace in it? That had a fire in it?"

"**_BLOW IT UP ALREADY_**! I NEED EXPLOSIONS!"

"Hehehehe! You have fallen right into my trap!" a very high-pitched voice squeaked. The bug flew out, set itself on fire by flying into the fireplace and flew all over the building, lighting everything. "I know I'm killing myself at the same time but I live to diiiie!"

O_o. Again.

"I'm outta here!" Midna said, escaping the burning building.

"Gee, that bug sure is stupid!" Link stated with a dumb-sounding voice. He crawled back out the random hole that was conviently placed so he could get outside.

The building exploded, and the Tears of Shininess inside(apparently there was more than one bug) floated in the ruins.

"Woo! Three more tears!" Saria exclaimed, taking them. "You know, I just realized that whenever we grab a tear, whoever got it glows blue."

"Pretty cool stuff," Link said.

* * *

So, the tear collection ended up taking them up Death Mountain.

"Wow, a Goron spirit!" Link exclaimed. "They look _so _different!"

"I know…" Saria said. By the way, for some reason, she _too _could see the spirits despite not being a wolf anymore. Part of the spell, I suppose. I'll just explain now that all four of them can. "They don't actually look fat and lazy like all the other Gorons we've seen."

"Be glad he can't hear you," Midna told her. "He doesn't look happy."

"Man, this is such a pain in the Goron butt! Why do _I _have to keep watch for enemies?" the Goron complained.

"Hey, wait a minute…" Navi spoke, realizing something. "Back when we were in the Hyrule Castle sewers, if I was light, then why couldn't the spirits see me…?"

"Eh…" Midna paused. For once, she did _not _know why. "Probably because you weren't a spirit, since you were a fairy or something…? I have no idea, actually."

A while later, the team came across a stone with a hole going through the center of it. The wind blowing through it made a tune, which sounded strangely like…

"THE SONG OF HEALING!" Link exclaimed. "Why is this stone playing the Song of Healing?! Isn't this supposed to be another dimension?!"

"Well, this game did come out way after Majora's Mask," Navi told him. "The game developers probably didn't want to come up with new songs, so they just reused old ones that sounded cool." _I don't really think this._

"Oh, that makes sense. So I'm guessing the songs don't do anything anymore, like, this turning me back into a Hylian and giving me a wolf mask or something."

Navi rolled her eyes. "Obviously not…"

"Yet more things that will just confuse me if you explain them?" Midna asked.

"Probably."

So, after a bit of complication, Link figured out that he had to howl the Song of Healing in front of the stone, warping him to a cliff by himself, where he howled a duet with a golden wolf on another cliff.

"Hey, dude," the golden wolf called to Link. "You totally avoided me in the Faron Woods."

"How?" Link asked.

"Well, I _was _standing near the temple entrance, but apparently you didn't notice me since that talking monkey was so distracting. Then the temple blew up and I had to run away."

"Was it something important?"

"No duh! You were going to learn how to stab things violently to finish them off while they're on the ground, rather than waiting for them to get up and finishing them off!"

"Wow! I haven't even seen Saria do that! She's always just stabbed right through things and killed them while they're still standing."

Crickets chirped.

"… That's possible…?" the golden wolf asked.

"Yeah, she's pretty beast. It's ironic because I'm the actual-" Link started.

"Don't finish that sentence… Anyway, it'll probably be more useful to you than to your friend. There are a bunch of these hidden skills that are pretty cool, and besides, I'd like to see what might happen if you're the only one who learns them."

"Awesome!"

So thus, Link and the golden wolf agreed on Link being the only one to learn all of the hidden skills.

"Oh yeah, by the way, in order for you to learn them, you have to find me," the golden wolf told Link.

"Where…?"

"Anywhere!" The golden wolf jumped off of the cliff and Link appeared back at the howling stone.

"What the heck just happened?" Saria asked.

"I was talking to a shiny fellow wolf that's going to teach me to be better than you!" Link answered.

"… Seriously?"

"Yep!"

"Yeah, because anyone would teach _you _anything useful…"

"Heh heh heh heh."

* * *

"All right, we _finally _finished collecting all the freaking tears," Saria stated.

"Thank you, young heroes," the spirit said.

"Yay! I'm not a wolf anymore!" Link cheered.

"The next piece of the Fused Shadow is up on Death Mountain."

"Of course it is…" Saria said.

"You must defeat the evil that lies in the mountain!"

"Yada yada…" Saria rolled her eyes. "We know."

"OH MY DIIIIIIN!" a voice screamed. "IT'S MY LINK!"

"Oh boy…"

Beth ran up and practically glomped Link. "I KNEW YOU'D COME! IT WAS YOU WHO LIT THE TORCHES, WASN'T IT?!"

"Shut up, Beth!" Talo yelled.

"LINK, DO YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART?!"

"But aren't I like, four years older than you?!" Link asked, trying to pry her off of him.

"AGE DOESN'T MATTER WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE!"

"Actually, it sometimes does."

"I'm not _that _much younger than you!"

"GET HER OFF OF ME, SARIA!"

"NOO! LINK DOESN'T LOVE ME!" Beth burst into tears. "I THOUGHT YOU DID!"

"Cut the act, kid!" Saria told Beth. "I know those are fake, and you're just trying to make Link love you, since you figured out he doesn't!"

Beth gasped. "How did you know?!"

"Because I'm also smart as well as terrifyingly powerful!"

"Saria, being smart has nothing to do with fake tears," Navi said.

"SCREW THAT! I can tell!"

"The same way you could tell liquid ketchup from blood?" Link asked.

There was an awkward silence.

"… Sure…" Saria said slowly, breaking the silence.

"Um… Anyway, to change the subject, I am Renado," the long haired man from before told them. "This is my daughter Luda." He pointed to a short-haired girl also trying to pry Beth off of Link. "So, those dark beasts suddenly attacked our village, but what's worse, all of our friends, the Gorons, suddenly became aggresive and won't let anybody up the mountain anymore."

"So you're pretty much saying that we need to convince them to let us?" Navi asked.

"But the problem is, they won't listen to a regular person. They only recognize strength."

"Hmm… As in what?"

"Well, there is one person who can help you. His name is the Mighty Bo."

There was _another _long pause. Man, there are a lot of these.

"_Mayor Bo_?! WHY HIM?!" Saria yelled.


	7. Infection 3

**I got a few people telling me that the reason my story isn't getting very much attention is because of the dialogue. That's understandable, and I actually made it quite clear that I was aware that these stories had quite a bit of dialogue. I try to make that better in later chapters, but there isn't anything I can do about that right now.**

**So, this is the chapter; the chapter of doom. That meaning the chapter when my brain started its imploding state. That meaning that I started trying to make everything make sense. Plus, HE shows up. The dude in the cover photo. (DUN DUN DUUUUN)**

**Yay…**

**You should try reading this story aloud. It makes it twice as funny in my opinion, but that's just me, probably. Though, maybe you should only do that if you're home alone or something or people will think you're crazy. Or you'll be disturbed by your siblings. That sounds like a possibility.**

**I don't own Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess  
Chapter 7: Infection 3

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link was glomped, Navi was the only witness who cared, Saria lost her temper, Midna did nothing useful but fix a bridge, and it somehow took me a whole chapter just to finish Kakariko Village in twilight._

_Now for Chapter Seven._

"Oh look, it's Epona and Chase!" Link exclaimed and the two horses came dashing towards him. They had monsters on their backs and looked like they were going crazy.

"Link! MOVE!" Navi yelled. "They're going to trample you!"

The horses suddenly turned, throwing the monsters right off.

"Link, you need to gain control of Epona again! The monsters probably did something horrible to them!"

"Hold it, bud!" Saria shouted, jumping onto Chase. He looked at her, and realizing who it was, he stopped. "… Well that was pretty easy. I'm surprised he didn't keep going after Epona." Chase neighed.

"He says they gave Epona a horse energy drink, and he was actually chasing her!" Navi told Saria.

"Horse energy drinks?! Those exist?!"

"How am I supposed to calm her down if she's had an energy drink?!" Link asked.

"See, she's both crazy from the monsters trying to control her _and _the horse energy drink, so you just need to calm her down as much as possible," Navi told him.

After a while of trying to get Epona to stop, Link _finally _succeeded.

"Wow, you did a pretty good job," Midna stated, "for someone who has no experience whatsoever!"

"What are you talking about?! I did horribly!" Link told her.

"Well, I don't know anything about this kind of stuff _at all_, so how am I supposed to know whether you actually did a good job or not?"

Epona did a long neigh, and then a bunch of short neighs.

"She's just talking about how excited she is to see you again, Link, and since she's practically hyper, she said it a _lot_," Navi said.

Epona long-neighed again.

"Hey…" Saria started, on the ground again. "Do you have any idea how long it's taking to move around in this story? It's already chapter seven and we're not even in the second dungeon yet. Termina was different because there were a heck ton of side quests in that one. This is just taking forever."

"What do you want us to do then?" Navi asked.

"I dunno, skip to where we're supposed to go next? Where again… Mayor Bo's house or something?"

"THE MIGHTY BO!" a random fat guy yelled, jumping out of the ground.

"Holy crap! Who are you?!"

"That is none of your concern." The random fat guy disappeared back into the ground.

All of a sudden, Saria passed out.

"Whoa! Saria?!" Navi asked. "What happened to her?!"

"It seems that she has passed out from the lack of this story's progress," said the same fat guy from a few seconds ago.

"But there's nothing we can do about that! The writer's run out of ideas!"

"It appears that the only thing we can do is bring in a new character that is absolutely wonderful."

"I still don't think that'll work!"

However, just as Navi said that, a very handsome man suddenly walked out of one of Kakariko's old buildings. Well, actually, he kicked down the door since it was boarded up.

"Oh my Din…"

"Hi, I'm the new character!" he said.

Navi face palmed. "I don't think this is going to work out."

The new character who doesn't seem to have a name yet held Saria in his arms. "I need to wake her." He pulled her closer-

"NOOO!" Link yelled, jumping forward. "This is NOT a freakin' romance! I FORBID IT!"

"What? Are you her boyfriend or something?"

"ARE YOU DEAF?!"

"Link, you need to calm down! I think Saria's bad temper has rubbed off onto you!" Navi told Link.

However, fortunately for Link, Saria woke up. She looked at the new character-

"Hurry up and say my name!" the new character demanded.

Oh. Right. That's Nathan. He has cool black hair with spiky bangs and green eyes. Awesome! Now I need to stop talking and start narrating again.

"AHEM," Navi started, "ANYWAY."

Saria looked up at Nathan with a confused face, "Who are you…?"

"As just said by the writer, I am Nathan!" he responded.

"Why are you holding me like this?"

There was a long pause.

"Eh, well, I didn't think you'd wake up on your own, so I-" Nathan started.

"Heeeeeey!" the postman suddenly interrupted.

"What the HECK?!" Saria yelled, jumping up. "You're not supposed to appear here!"

"Can I set his flag on fire?" Nathan asked.

"How?"

Nathan did what seemed to be casting a spell, and the postman's flag caught on fire.

"Auuuuugh!" the postman yelled, running away quickly.

"Awesome!" Saria exclaimed. "I really wish I could do that! I would've done it to a lot of people already." She smirked mischievously.

"No! Don't you _dare_ make her love you! I _still _forbid it!" Link yelled.

"_Hey_," Midna started, "You don't forbid it because this is a parody, but because _you _love her, right?"

"GAH! This is insanity!"

So, the writer decided to skip this part until the conflict was resolved and everybody got along. They made their way towards Ordon Village afterwards.

"It was _resolved_?" Link asked, obviously annoyed. "He and Saria are riding on the same horse now!"

"ALL RIGHT!" Navi shouted. "Link, you need to chill! Nathan, set that enemy on fire, will you?"

"Okay!" Nathan answered, making a devious face. The enemy burned.

"I blew up a building earlier," Saria told Nathan. "It was fun!"

"Cool!"

"Augh, I _know _what's going to happen. This guy is going to _completely _replace me, even though I'm supposed to be the main character. Soon enough, the writer isn't going to like me anymore and I'll be quiet for a long time!" Link complained.

"Oh yeah?" Midna asked. "I'm one of the writer's favorite Zelda characters, yet I hardly talk at all."

"How does that answer anything?"

Soon enough, the sun had set and it was dark out. Well, I'm not saying that they were traveling for a long time, I'm just saying that it was already almost night time when they left.

"Hey, is it just me, or am I hearing Malon in the background music?" Navi asked.

"Who's that?" Nathan questioned.

"AH HA! I found a problem!" Link stated. "He wasn't with us on our past adventures, so our inside jokes won't make any sense to him!"

"Screw that, I can burn things." Nathan set a nearby enemy on fire.

"Trust me on this! _YOU WILL HAVE YOUR STUPID MOMENTS_!"

Epona, getting fed up with Link by this point, knocked him off her back into the grass.

Everybody else snickered. Including the horses.

However, Chase, being obsessed with Epona, decided to be stupid and copied her. I have no idea how, but somehow Nathan fell off and not Saria.

"That was still funny!" Midna stated, laughing.

On closer inspection, though, the horses had been walking over a patch of _blue moss_. Both Link and Nathan had fallen into it.

"Wait… WHAT?!" Navi and Saria screamed.

"Okay, the writer is just getting bored by this point!" Saria yelled. "This wasn't here on our way to Kakariko!"

"Kakakakakokokoko…" Link said slowly, sitting up.

"Quick! Get them out of it before it's too late!" Navi told Saria.

"What?! How?!" Saria asked.

"I don't know, use a rope or something! It only affects you if your skin touches it!"

"But Link isn't the same size as me anymore, and Nathan is the same!"

Right then, Midna moved Link and Nathan with her giant hand over to a nearby fence.

"Why did this have to happen?!" Saria yelled. "Now we have _two _boys that are going to go crazy. And one of them can burn things with his mind!"

Nathan suddenly flopped onto Link's lap, "Mommy…"

Saria face palmed. "This is going to suck."

* * *

So, somehow, Saria, Navi and Midna managed to get Link and Nathan all the way to Ordon Village. It was hard, but they did it.

"HEY! BO!" Saria yelled, kicking Mayor Bo's house's door open.

"Oh, it has been a while!" Mayor Bo exclaimed.

"Save the greetings for later! How do we get up Death Mountain?!"

"Death Mountain?! Why would you want to go up there?"

"Must I answer? Just TELL ME."

"You seem to be in a bad mood."

"No _DUH _I am! Link and our new 'friend' have been infected by blue moss! And this isn't the first time for Link! Tell me, and hurry up!"

"Well, you may know already, but they only recognize true strength. In order to get up the mountain, you need to wear heavy boots and toss them aside as you climb it."

"How are _boots _supposed to help with that? That doesn't give your arms strength!"

"This is the Legend of Zelda, nothing makes sense here."

"Good point. Can I borrow them?"

"Well, normally, I'd have someone challenge me to a sumo match, but your a girl and Link seems to be having problems, so I'll just give them to you for money instead."

Saria sighed. "How much?"

Nathan suddenly pushed in. "I challenge you!" he said with a drunk-sounding voice.

"No, go back outside!" Saria shoved him out the door. "Don't listen to him!" She pulled out her wallet.

"That'll be 50 rupees," Mayor Bo said. "_Haha! She will never be able to afford that_!"

"Here." Saria handed him a purple rupee. "_I can't believe that's all I have to pay! Ordon must be poor_!"

"W-well, okay, I guess I'll give these to you, then."

**_Saria got the Iron Boots! (Actually, two pairs)_**

"What? They were 25 each?" Saria asked.

"Well, the next temple would be incompletable if you only have one pair, so I had to give you two pairs."

"Wait, why are these so light?"

"NO," Navi yelled, bursting in. "That joke is FREAKIN' OVERUSED. I refuse to let you make it!"

"All right, fine."

Saria and Navi walked back outside to see Nathan sitting on the ground stroking a chicken, and Link asleep.

"Aww… It's too bad that we have to wake Link up again," Navi said. "I don't want him to talk anymore."

"Cluck cluck cluck," Nathan spoke, imitating a chicken. The chicken in his lap looked happy.

"I don't know who this guy is, but I'm liking this," the chicken said. However, at this point, Navi was the only one who could understand it.

"I AM AWAKE!" Link suddenly yelled, jumping to his feet. He then collapsed again, because you know that nobody can have that much energy after waking up.

"Hey, I got the item…" Saria said slowly.

"YAY! Let's go!" Link mounted Epona.

"You _are _still capable of riding a horse, right?"

"I DUNNO!"

"Shhh," Nathan said, "Clucker wants you to be quiet."

"C'mon, Nathan," Navi told him. "We need to go."

"LET'S GO TO PANERA BREAD!" Nathan suddenly jumped up, scaring the chicken away.

"YIPPEEE!" Link cheered.

"Augh, now it's like having another Link!" Saria stated, groaning.

"YAY!" Nathan and Link cheered. "LET'SA GO!"

The rest of them sighed.

* * *

"Oh no! It's a giant pig thing!" Talo exclaimed. "We're screwed!" He ran away quickly, but Beth stood there like an idiot.

"I know Link will come and save me, so I don't need to move!" she said stupidly.

"Gah!" Colin yelled, running over and pushing her out of the way. The giant pig thing on a boar(King Bulbin) grabbed him instead.

"I have succeeded in capturing a little girl! Now I'll get a promotion for sure!" said the giant pig thing(I prefer it over King Bulbin). Colin was unconscious, so he couldn't say anything while the giant pig thing tied him to a tall pole.

"Hey! Link was supposed to save me, not him!" Beth shouted.

"Colin, you idiot! You should've just left her there!" Talo yelled.

"WE'RE BAAACK!" Link announced. "OHNAYRU! What happened?!"

"Oh no!" Nathan exclaimed. "That little girl is in trouble! We need to save her from the giant pig thing!"

"Um, Nathan, that's a boy," Saria told him.

"All right, whatever! That little girl is in trouble! We need to save her from the giant pig thing!"

Saria sighed.

"I WILL SAVE YOOOOU!" Nathan almost set the pig on fire, but Saria stopped him.

"It's got Colin on a pole, he'll probably die too if you set the pig on fire, and probably the rest of the village will burn too!" Saria told him.

"All right then. NATHAN KICK!" Nathan jumped up, kicking the giant pig thing in the head, making him drop the pole that Colin was tied to. "Quick, brother, untie her!"

"On it!" Link answered, running over to Colin.

"DIE PIG! We know that you've stolen the bird's eggs again!" Nathan stomped on the giant pig thing.

"I'm not a pig!" the pig insisted.

"But you're green and you look like one, so you're a pig!"

King Bulbin used an Escape Rope!

"What?!"

"Well, I guess he's gone," Midna said. "Should we go to Death Mountain now?"

"I'm awake…" Colin stated. "What happened?"

"You saved obnoxious Beth's life for some reason," Talo told him. "What up with _that_?"

"I dunno, I have heroic instincts all of a sudden."

"Yeah right."

"Are you all right, little girl?" Nathan asked.

"Um, I'm a boy."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I must leave now to the Mountain of Death, Doom and Destruction!" Nathan jumped up and ran off, with the rest of his team following.

"… What just happened…?"

* * *

Saria sighed, "All right, we're finally back at Death Mountain…"

"I CAN TAKE THESE GORONS ON!" Nathan yelled proudly.

"Hey, don't yell that! The Gorons could hear you!"

"Pffft, I don't care." Nathan took the Iron Boots from Saria, climbed up the wall and put them on. "COME AT ME BROS!"

"ARRRGH, another human! Fools!" the Goron from before growled in frustration. He rolled towards Nathan, but Nathan tossed him right aside.

"I AM SUCCESSFUL! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!" A nearby dead bush caught on fire.

"It's scarier than I thought!" Midna exclaimed. "We better calm him down before he sets Kakariko on fire!"

"Kakakakakokokoko!" Link said.

"I AM _UNSTOPPABLE_." Another Goron rolled towards Nathan, and he tossed it out of the way. Saria quickly dodged it as it fell down.

"Nathan! I understand that the blue moss is making you crazy, but you need to calm down!" Saria yelled at him.

"_Crazy_? THIS IS ME!"

Saria rolled her eyes. She climbed up the cliff to where he was, and pulled on one of his ears. "Knock it off, bud. I'm the pyro around here."

"Ow…" Nathan suddenly collapsed.

"Saria?! How hard did you pull his ear?!" Navi asked, flying over.

"Hey, it wasn't my fault! He probably just collapsed out of exhaustion."

"Spaghetti cat…" Nathan mumbled.

"I hope this ends soon…" Navi muttered.

* * *

"HEY! HUMANS!" a Goron yelled into a megaphone. "GET OFFA OUR PROPERTEH!"

"Michealgoron! We told you that you have a different job now!" another Goron shouted at him.

"I don't want that other job, though, Kylegoron!"

"Quick, get past them!" Saria told the others. Nathan was conscious again, but thankfully not completely insane anymore.

"Cue Pink Panther music!" Link said. Nathan pulled out an iPod with a speaker.

"No, no! We need to be quiet, you idiots!"

"Aww…" Link and Nathan sighed in disappointment.

* * *

After many battles between them and the Gorons, calming down Nathan a few times, telling the two to shut up, and tossing some Gorons off cliffs, and-

"Hey, what about that golden wolf we ran into?" Saria asked.

Eh, yeah. Actually, I think I'll be skipping those, and you'll just be learning them as you go along, since I have no idea where any of them are.

"Fine."

So, inside the building that they climbed up to, a ton of Gorons were in there. They all started rolling in place when they saw them.

"OH CRAP!" Link yelled.

"Hold it, brothers," an old man voice said. He walked out of the door in the back of the room. "We must find out why they're here before we beat them up."

"I CHALLENGE YOU TO A BOXING MATCH!" Nathan stated.

"Sumo wrestling," Saria corrected him.

"Same diff."

"I am Gor Coron, an elder of the Gorons. Do you have my tomatoes ready, Josephgoron? I need to throw them at Dinkleburg."

"Is this guy gonna be like that elder guy from Snowhead…?" Navi whispered to Saria.

"I hope not…" Saria answered. "He doesn't seem to be as bad, though."

"FLIPPIN' POTATOES! Where is my hummus?" Gor Coron asked a nearby Goron. "Paulgoron? MY HUMMUS!"

"Sorry, sir, but I haven't gone to the grocery store, since we were ordered not to go off the mountain since the humans live down there," Paulgoron replied.

"Why don't we have a mushrooming grocery store on our mountain?!"

"Well, we do, but all they sell are rocks."

"WELL WE NEED HUMMUS!"

"Have you forgotten about me?!" Nathan yelled.

"_HUMMUUUUUUUS_!"

Nathan tossed a container of hummus at Gor Coron. "PAY ATTENTION!"

"HUMMUS!" Gor Coron opened the container and ate ALL the hummus plain.

"O_o" was everybody's reaction. Even Nathan and Link, who were still pretty crazy from the moss.

"Davidgoron! I want my socks!"

"Hey, um, can we get into the mines?" Saria asked.

"Oh, the mines? That's all you came for? Sure, go ahead!" Gor Coron moved out of the way.

"Aw, but I wanna box!" Nathan stated. Saria dragged him into the mines, with the rest of the team following.


	8. Idiots and an Awkward Situation

**Darn it. I can't think of any stupid clever thing to put here.**

**Read the chapter.**

**I don't own Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess  
Chapter 8: Idiots and an Awkward Situation

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link was infected with blue moss again, Navi was annoyed, Saria was annoyed, Midna was silently annoyed, and A NEW CHARACTER JOINED named Nathan, who's awesome and goes completely insane when infected with blue moss since he went along with Link!_

_Now for Chapter Eight._

"WHOA! LAVA!" Link and Nathan exclaimed at the same time.

"_Scary_," Nathan said with a spooky voice.

"KYA!" Link screamed like a girl.

"Nathan seems to be switching personalities violently with this infection," Navi stated. "I wonder when it'll go away."

"Well, it took about a day and a half for Link to go back to normal in Termina when he crashed into that glass case," Saria said. "This time was pretty similar, and time passes faster in Termina, so maybe it'll take a day or so. But then again, he _did _take a nap…"

"Whoa! A smart comment from the pyro!" Link stated.

"WHOA-HOA!" Nathan yelled. A rock fell down into the lava nearby.

"See what you're doing?" Navi told him, "Your loud voices are making rocks fall, and that is not good."

"Sorry. I'll be quieter."

"So, according to the information we got in the chapter split, we need to talk to a bunch of old guys and get pieces of the boss key since it's not in one piece this time," Midna said.

"Wonderful," Saria grumbled.

* * *

So, after much hardship of the dungeon, such as dodging machines that shot fire, walking on the ceiling using the Iron Boots, and killing lots of monsters, and talking to more crazy old Gorons for pieces of the boss key, they made it to the mini boss room.

"You're just lazy," Midna said.

Hey, I don't know this game very well.

"ALL RIGHT, MINI BOSS TIME!" Link stated.

"I AM A GIANT GORON!" said a big Goron wearing armor who was sitting across the room. "FIGHT MEH!"

"YEEEAAAH!" Nathan cheered. A rock fell on top of the big Goron.

"OW!"

"Yeah! I can make rocks fall on your head by using Hyper Voice! Woo!"

"No! Fernandogoron will never be defeated! I must protect the items that lie behind this door because they will be very useful and I'm going crazy for some reason!"

Fernandogoron jumped onto the platform in the middle of the room. More rocks fell on top of him afterward, knocking him into the lava.

There was a pause.

"… Did we win?" Nathan asked.

Fernandogoron then climbed out of the lava, "I recognize you as the heroes now! I let you pass, and you will take the items!"

"Yay!" Link and Nathan cheered. They skipped over the very dangerous magnetic platform chained up above lava.

"OOH! A TREASURE CHEST!" Link exclaimed.

**_Link and Nathan got bows!_**

"HEY! That's mine!" Saria yelled, snatching the bow from Nathan. "You don't need one!"

"Wha? Why not?" Nathan asked.

"Because you can burn things with your mind, that's why."

"Oh, good point. Here!"

**_Saria took Nathan's bow._**

"I said it was mine from the start!" Saria yelled.

* * *

So then, after MORE walking on ceilings and walls, standing upside-down on magnetic cranes-

"YOU BETTER NOT LET GO OF ME!" Saria yelled at Nathan, who was stuck to the crane hanging above lava. "I'LL DIE!"

"Don't worry! This is a piece of cake!" Nathan answered.

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!"

So, after all of this horrifying crap, they finally made it to the boss chamber.

"ALL RIGHT! BOSS TIME!" Link yelled. A rock fell from the ceiling, right next to Nathan.

"_WHOA_! That almost hit me!" Nathan exclaimed.

"UNLOCK! Brother, give me the key to destroy this evil piece of metal over this enormous door!"

"On it!" Nathan handed Link the boss key.

Link unlocked it, and THE LOCK FELL ON TOP OF HIM.

"Ah, memories," Navi said.

"Wow, I haven't been crushed by a lock in a really long time!" Link stated.

"OH NO! Brother, are you okay?!" Nathan asked Link, trying to pull the lock off of him and failing.

"Oh, so you can manage to hold me 'easily' when we're hanging over lava, but you can't get that cheap lock off him?" Saria questioned.

"I used up all of my superhuman strength already!"

Saria sighed.

"I need pineapple juice to bring back my superhuman strength!"

Saria face palmed. Hard.

"LOCK, I COMMAND THEE TO GET OFF OF THE GREEN MAN!"

Nothing happened…

"Oh, for crying out loud," Saria mumbled. She pulled the lock off of Link.

"OH MY GOODNESS! My superhuman strength must have rubbed onto Saria when we were dangling over lava!" Nathan exclaimed.

"I can't face palm enough to express my thoughts on your current stupidity."

"COMPLIMENT ACCEPTED!"

"FACE PALM!"

"All right, all right. BOSS TIME!" Link announced.

They entered the boss room to see an enormous monster chained up in the middle of the room.

"Whoa, he's scary… Do we really have to fight it?"

"Hmph. Finally, a boss!" Saria stated, drawing her sword. "I haven't fought one in forever thanks to that stupid monkey or clown or whatever the heck it was! I think I'll take him on by my self!" This comment was quite strange since she was the once who encourage him to blow up the last temple.

"NO! But I wanna fight a boss, toooooo!" Nathan complained.

"Oh yeah? And how is _fire _going to help against a fire boss?"

"OH NO! You're right! I bet it has Flash Fire, which means that his fire moves will strengthen with every fire type move that hits it!"

Suddenly, the giant black monster awoke! It burst into flames and broke the chains on its arms, but not its legs. It looked pretty scary.

"It's the Twilight Igniter!" Midna randomly stated. "He's probably like this from the Fused Shadow!"

"How do you know that?" Saria asked.

"I don't. But this is the Legend of Zelda, so it's pretty obvious, I guess."

"Good point."

A nearby pillar caught on fire.

"Nathan! I told you to stop randomly setting things on fire many times already!"

"That wasn't me!" Nathan insisted.

"Y'know, it seems like the blue moss is wearing off," Navi said. "We're getting straight answers again."

"RAWWWWWWWWR!" said the giant burning monster. It seemed as if it was trying to remind them that it was there.

"I wonder if this guy has a Goron name," Link randomly spoke.

"All right, _BOSS TIME_," Saria said, making it known that she was ready to fight.

However, as epic as the boss looked, the battle wasn't actually that hard. She shot an arrow at its forehead, pulled the chains on the ground to trip it, then hacked away at its head with her sword. That's _all _that happened.

"OH COME ON, that was _pathetic_," Saria complained. "I only had to trip it twice, and it didn't even have a second phase or anything!"

"Hey, another Fused Shadow!" Midna exclaimed. "That's two! Only one more!"

"Hooray! What's a Fused Shadow?" Nathan asked.

Midna anime fell in mid-air.

"Midna, he really doesn't know," Navi told her.

"All right, fine," Midna said, sighing, "We're going around and gathering these things for reasons that I didn't actually explain. And I think I'm supposed to be telling you some sort of story about Zelda and Zant, but I don't remember what it was about. All right, let's go!"

"Let's go to Taco Bell!" Link said. "I think I saw one on the way to this room!"

"Ugh, what happened?" a large Goron asked.

"I think you were possessed by a strange black rock and then locked away in here for everyone else's safety."

"Oh, that completely makes sense."

"BYE," Saria said loudly, as she was sick of this temple and wanted to leave.

"You know, I realized that sometimes we get the Heart Container at the end and sometimes we don't. I wonder why," Navi stated.

**_Saria got the Heart Container! … I guess._**

* * *

The blue light that they entered into took them to the Eldin Spring in Kakariko.

"Kakakakakokokoko!" Link yelled.

"You're _still _going on about that?" Saria asked, annoyed.

"Hey, it's the little girl!" Nathan exclaimed.

"I'm a boy…" Colin muttered. "I was about to run over to you guys happily but now I'm depressed again." He ran back inside the house.

The long haired guy named Renado walked up to them, "I see you have defeated the evil that was in Death Mountain," he said.

"How do you know that just by looking?" Saria questioned.

"THERE WAS UNHAPPINESS IN THE SKY BEFORE."

"Geez! Overreaction!"

"Anyway, I have decided that your team will go save Ilia from whatever she needs to be saved from while I watch the children back here."

"Surprise, surprise…"

Suddenly, Link and Nathan flopped over into the Eldin Spring. Actually, Link fell over first and Nathan fell on top of him.

"Huh?! What the…" Navi started.

"Gah, what happened…?" Nathan mumbled, rubbing his head.

"DUDE! What are you doing on top of me?!" Link yelled.

"Hey, they're back!" Saria exclaimed.

"AUGH!" Nathan screamed, jumping off of him.

"Well _that _was awkward, wasn't it," Midna said, snickering. "Don't fall into blue moss again!"

"Hey, Navi, do people keep their memories of when they're infected?" Saria asked Navi.

"Well, they have the memories of getting infected for sure, but I don't think they have the memories of when they _are _infected. Link hasn't shown any proof of remembering."

"What is your problem?!" Link yelled at Nathan.

"Well, we fell into that weird moss, then…" he started.

"You both fell off our horses and were infected by blue moss all throughout Death Mountain."

"W-what?!" Link and Nathan yelled in horror.

"We didn't do anything really _weird_, did we…?" Link asked.

"Naaaaah," Saria replied.

"Are you sure…?"

"Yes!"

"Hehehehehe…" Midna giggled. A horrified look rose on Link's and Nathan's faces.

"Don't listen to her, she's just trying to scare you."

"I'm a GUARD NOW because of my KEEN eyes!" Talo randomly stated. "I'll stand up dangerously on that super tall tower that has no fences and look for monsters! Hey, Link, I have an idea! Why don't you show me how to use a bow? Somehow I know you have one! I'll set up targets all over the village and you have to shoot them!"

"Whaaat?! This again?!" Link yelled. "Tell Saria to do it."

"NO! I REFUSE!" Beth shouted at him. "LINK WILL DO IT THIS TIME! I have _faith _in you!"

"Aw, is she _really _that obsessed with him?" Nathan asked, pushing his hair aside.

"I say RUN. Who's with me?" Link questioned.

"NOOOO!" Beth screamed. "Link doesn't love me!"

"About time that got to your head!" Talo said.

* * *

Later, after some running, shooting, and obtaining bombs from a bomb shop in town…

"AWESOME! Bombs!" Saria cheered. "I wonder what would happen if I attached them to my bow-"

"KEEP RUNNING! She's still coming after us!" Link yelled.

Then they came to another store…

"What?! This kid owns this store?!" Saria shouted in disbelief.

"Problem?" Malo asked, raising an eyebrow. "You wanna buy this thing? I think it's like a telescope or something, but I've never used it so I don't know. You can have it for 30 rupees."

"Sure…" Saria paid with Link's money. He grumbled.

**_Saria got the Hawk Eye!_**

"TIME TO RUN, I hear her outside again!" Link said. So they ran… again. This time they actually left the village.

"So where do we go next?" Saria wondered.

"Lanayru," Midna answered. "C'mon…"

* * *

So, they continued on their journey, and crossed a bridge. Saria had to blow up a giant rock with a bomb, but then part of the Bridge of Eldin disappeared into a portal and shadow monsters fell out of it.

"More shadow monsters…" Saria said.

"BURN!" Nathan yelled, burning all three shadow beasts while they were still in mid air.

"Whoa! This is going to make life a lot easier."

"Actually, that was pretty hard. I just made it look easy."

"Well, these guys appear not that often, so I still think it's going to make life a lot easier."

So, in a bit, they came to the wall of twilight to Lanayru.

"Are we going to go through the same routine for every single area?! Twilight, then a temple. Seriously?" Saria complained. Nathan looked confused.

"Eh… What's this…?" he asked.

"Oh, our little shadow friend here is going to forcefully yank you through the wall since that's apparently the only way to get you through."

Midna popped out of Link's shadow, "Hi!" she greeted. "It's **pain**time!"

"Midna! Stop trying to scare him! You've already scared him by making him think about the blue moss too much!"

"AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Midna floated through the wall while laughing maniacally. And of course, she pretty much pulled Saria in as 'gently' as possible, while scaring the crap out of the other two.

"Auuugh… That hurt! Stupid little…" Nathan complained. "HOLY CRAP! Why is he transforming into a wolf?!"

Link sighed, "I wish I knew. Why do _you _still look normal? Everybody except us turns into spirits." Midna crashed onto Link's back as usual.

"Because I'm part demon, so that makes sense, right?"

"Eh. It's still not fair."

"Isn't Nathan's personality supposed to be like that 'calm' and 'handsome' type from anime or something?" Saria asked. "Why is it that everyone's personality in this story always changes? Link used to be so insane it was like he's _always _infected with blue moss, Navi was sort of hot-headed, I was crazy and a complete pyromaniac, and this guy's _supposed _personality only lasted a few lines. That's a new record! Now Link is completely sane and mostly reasonable, I'm the new Navi, Navi hardly talks anymore and Nathan's become the king of being obnoxious and sarcastic. What the heck?"

"What kind of nickname is that?!" Nathan yelled.

"I think the only person in this whole series whose personality didn't change was Tatl," Navi said.

"Hey, I found Ilia's bag!" Link exclaimed, sniffing a bag on the ground. "Now I can figure out where she is!"

"Good puppy!" Nathan said, patting Link on the head. Link growled.

"It's funny how well you two got along before you came back to your senses," Midna stated. "Now you get on each other's nerves! This adventure is more interesting than I thought it would be!" She laughed.

"I want to leave you behind…" Link grumbled. "But then I'd leave Saria behind too, and that would be horrifying." He turned to see Saria sharpening her sword.

"Are we leaving yet?" she asked impatiently.

"CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, HA!" Link dashed off suddenly, Midna almost falling off his back. Saria looked _incredibly _ticked off.

All of a sudden, a bunch of vines came out of the ground and tripped Link. This time, Midna was practically launched off forward.

"Whoa, did I do that?!" Saria exclaimed. "I didn't know being the Sage of Forest did anything! Especially because of that whole going back in time thing!"

"Saria used Grass Knot…" Midna mumbled, climbing back onto Link.

Saria grinned menacingly, "Hehehehehe… I wonder what else I can do."

"It's kind of strange how long it took you to figure out you could do this stuff. You've been a sage since the first story!" Navi said. "You'd at least think it would activate while Mido was annoying her or something."

"You know, it's pretty annoying how everyone else has all these awesome powers but all I got was a dumb transformation that turns me into a wolf. Even though I have the Triforce of Courage, I still don't get anything cool!" Link complained.

"Hey! Remember in Chapter One how you said that you still had that mask that makes you like, 8 feet tall and awesome?! You never got rid of it, did you?!" Saria exclaimed suddenly.

"Well, we woke up here and didn't have any of our items."

"We didn't _bring _any of our items. Or at least _I _didn't, thanks to Navi who didn't let me go and get any! Did you even check your inventory?"

"Yeah, obviously! I got a bow and used it, and my bag was empty!"

"But you _can't _lose that mask, it was freakin' awesome!"

While this argument happened, Nathan, Navi and Midna were sitting by a tree playing cards. Whenever an enemy tried to interrupt, Nathan made it spontaneously combust.

"Don't worry, Saria! It'll work out somehow! You know our writer!" Link told Saria. "She'll either make it disappear until the story ends or make us get it at the last second to defeat the final boss or something."

Saria sighed, "Whatever, then. Run off like a happy puppy so Midna can't catch you," Saria said. Rather than arguing with the insult, Link ran off quickly.

"HEY, WHAT?!" Midna yelled, dropping her cards. "GET BACK HERE, YOU IDIOT!"

"Whoa! Midna had three Draw Fours!" Nathan exclaimed.

"Hey, Nathan, where did you get this Uno deck anyway…?" Navi asked.

"I dunno, I grabbed if off that guy over there while threatening to burn him to death." He pointed to an unconscious twilight monster. "I ended up knocking him out instead, though."

"So should we go follow Link?"

"Probably."


	9. Magic Delivery Guy

**So, I got A Link Between Worlds a few days ago (I spent a good forty dollars on that thing, good grief video games are getting expensive), and it was AWESOME. It was completely different than any other Zelda game except A Link to the Past, I guess. That was the reason I was iffy about buying it, because I didn't really like A Link to the Past very much just because it felt so hard to control and unnatural, but this game was seriously EPIC and I beat it in just a few days (addiction much?). I was actually considering making a Bizarre Saga for it… we'll see.**

**I don't own Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess  
Chapter 9: Magic Delivery Guy

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link was crushed by a lock again, Navi was pretty much being the question answerer and reminder, Saria discovered new powers, Midna scared the heck out of Nathan and Link, Nathan was annoying and made a fool of himself as well as practically changing personality, and the team beat the Goron Mines… Hooray._

_Now for Chapter Nine._

"HEY LOOK, I can leaf-surf!" Saria exclaimed. She was floating in mid-air and zipping through the air on a giant leaf, moving as fast as Link.

"Hey, that's not fair! I'm running at top speed!" Link yelled.

"It's like one of those gears from Sonic Riders! Despite how fast I'm moving, I'm still managing to stay on! I'll race you to Hyrule Castle!"

"Oh come on!" Nathan shouted. Suddenly, Nathan's shoes transformed into skates. Not any skates, but like the ones that Shadow from Sonic has!

"What?! He can do that?!" Navi exclaimed. "How come everybody on our team happens to have ridiculous special abilities?!"

"STOP!" Midna yelled.

Everybody froze and watched as Midna drew a line in the dirt.

"This is the starting line. Whoever gets to the fountain in the center of Hyrule Castle Town wins! Once you enter the town, you just go straight forward and the fountain is right there."

"Is there a prize?" Link asked.

"Well, I guess you'll be considered the fastest on our team, which is a pretty nice title I guess."

"ALL RIGHT! IT'S ON!"

"Wait, I want to enter, too!" a nearby twilight monster said. Nathan set it on fire.

"On your marks…" Midna started. "Get set… GO!"

The three dashed off immediately. It did take Nathan a little while to speed up, but he ended up catching up quickly.

It may seem surprising, but Link was actually doing incredibly well and was ahead of the other two, but Saria pulled of a mid-air trick on a nearby short cliff and landed in front of him.

After a few minutes, they came to the bridge leading to Hyrule Castle Town.

"Almost there!" Saria yelled, taking lead again. She was sweating since obviously using her powers to make herself move this fast was tiring.

When they crashed through the gate, they all started shoving each other everywhere and were causing destruction everywhere. The spirit-form citizens were horrified, since they were invisible but still causing mayhem.

"Sorry bout this!" Nathan said, shoving Saria into a shop.

"HEY!" Saria screamed at him. She attempted to get started again but collapsed. Her leaf board vanished into a bunch of pieces that blew away.

Nathan was winning and they were only a few seconds from the fountain, but Link pulled off a stunt where he jumped off the wall and landed in the fountain before Nathan could get there.

"We have a winner!" Midna stated, warping next to him. "It's… LINK?!"

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! I knew that I would win!" Link said proudly as he climbed out of the fountain and shook himself off.

"But look what you guys did to the town!" Navi yelled. Panicking spirits and broken objects and shops were everywhere. But the three all collapsed in exhaustion.

"What are we supposed to do about that…?" Saria asked. "They can fix it themselves…"

"But you guys are the ones that destroyed it!"

"But that's not gonna work. Even when we get rid of the twilight, we can't just walk up and say that it was us who destroyed the town, but we were just invisible," Link said.

"That's one fast puppy…" Nathan mumbled.

"Hey, um, do you guys remember why we came here in the first place?" Midna asked.

"I don't really remember," Saria said.

"ILIA!" Navi yelled.

"Oh, right!" Link exclaimed. "But can we eat first?"

"How? No one can see us!"

"Doesn't that make it easier?" Saria questioned.

"What?! You guys are terrible! You're supposed to be saving Hyrule, not taking advantage of the fact that you're invisible!"

"Wait a second, speaking of that, can you guys tell me what our goal even is?" Nathan asked.

There was a long pause.

Navi sighed, "It all started out with the children and Ilia getting captured by the green pig guy. To be honest, I don't know how the rest of the kids got to Kakariko Village, but all I can do it guess that they were saved somehow and got separated. Ilia is here. Anyway, Midna asked us to go 'gather a few things for her', which turned out to be the Fused Shadows that are scattered around the temples in Hyrule. After beating the first temple, the Faron spirit told us that we also needed to destroy the twilight that's taking over the world. So we're kind of doing both of those things at the same time."

"You know, if the first temple was forest, and the second temple was fire, then that means the next temple is going to be water," Saria randomly stated. "Zelda logic."

"W-what?!" Nathan yelled. He looked horrified. "But I can't swim!"

"Figures. Neither could I until I got a certain item that let me breathe underwater. It's pretty reassuring to know that you can breathe underwater and it makes it a lot easier to swim. Speaking of which, I think I still have that necklace from Termina." Saria pulled a necklace out of her tunic.

"Wait, why are you still wearing that?" Navi asked.

"Well, let's just say that I found a shortcut in the Lost Woods to Zora's River, and went swimming when I got bored the day before we went into that portal. I forgot to take it off. I did take the rockets off, though…"

"Hey! I heard someone over here say they wanted food!" a random guy said. He walked up with a Subway bag, and had a red cap that said 'MDG' on it.

Everybody stared.

"What the heck?! You're not a spirit?!" Saria yelled.

"Yeah, I'm the Magic Delivery Guy. If you need an item that you missed, or want something completely irrelevant to the plot that won't change anything, then I'll give it to you!" the guy said.

"Are you like the Happy Mask Salesman and what you do makes no sense as well as you not having a name?" Link asked without thinking.

"DON'T COMPARE ME TO THAT FOOL! I _DO _HAVE A REAL NAME, AND WHAT I DO DOES MAKE SENSE! I just gave you FOOD and you're saying I'm like _HIM_?!"

"Whoa, dude! Overreaction!" Nathan said. "Who's the Happy Mask Salesman?"

Saria put her hand on his shoulder, "… I'll tell you later." She had a somewhat scared look on her face, which made Nathan feel uneasy.

"ANYWAY, take your food and I'll leave!" MDG told them, handing them the Subway bag. He stomped off.

"I wonder what his real name is," Link stated.

"Shouldn't you be more concerned about how you're going to eat a sandwich without thumbs?" Navi asked.

Silence.

"Aww, does the little puppy want me to feed it to him?" Midna said, giggling.

"Oh come on! I just won that race and everybody is _still _mocking me!" Link yelled, growling.

Since Link has been humiliated enough, I'm going to skip to the next scene where they find Ilia.

* * *

"… What? Ilia's at a _bar_?" Link asked in disbelief. "Why?!"

"Well that's a little _strange_," Saria said. "Kids weren't allowed into the_ Milk_ bar, so why is she allowed into a real one?! That can't be legal!"

"This Zora child is going to die!" they heard Ilia say. Yes, it's suddenly a fact that Nathan can hear and see them too.

"I know that already," an older woman's voice said. "You've told me. But _why _is he going to die?"

"An accident, obviously!"

"Do you actually know?"

"I do know! It was a terrible accident!"

"Now what does this have to do with me again?"

There was an awkward silence.

"Well, um…" Ilia started. "Aren't you a friend of my great aunt…?"

"I have no idea what you're talkin' about," the woman answered. "I was a friend of your uncle."

"My dad has a brother? Wait… This is completely irrelevant! This Zora is dying!"

"Hey, a red dot just appeared on my map!" Nathan exclaimed.

"Let's go there!" Link said. "I'm sure it's where the next temple is!"

* * *

Later at Lake Hylia…

"Yep, it's gonna be a water temple," Saria stated. "But where's all the water?"

"I bet evil drained the lake again, leaving a small amount of water again," Link said as they started to cross the bridge above the lake.

"Hey, is it just me, or is there oil on the bridge?" Midna asked.

"Muahahahaha! You fell right into my trap!" a twilight monster exclaimed. It shot a fire arrow on both sides of the bridge, setting it on fire.

"Quick! Jump off the bridge! There's deep water below!" Navi told them.

"But I told you I can't swim!" Nathan yelled.

Saria pushed a box that was conveniently there to the edge of the bridge. She jumped off. "Woo-hoo!" she shouted out.

"JUST JUMP OFF," Navi ordered. "This is Zelda. You'll survive!" Somehow, she managed to pick him up onto the box and shoved him off.

"AAAAAAAAH!" Nathan screamed like a girl as he fell. He landed in the water with an enormous splash. "AUGH! I can't swim!" He practically flailed around aimlessly while Saria pushed him out of the water.

"You're an idiot, you know that?" she told him, shoving him onto shore.

"Do you expect somebody who specializes in fire to be able to cope with water very easily? Now my hair is ruined, too." He pulled a comb out of his pocket.

"Hey… Is that a _clown_?" Midna asked, pointing to a guy on a large raft with what seemed like a building on it.

"IT'S A MONSTERRRR! HEEELP!" the weird clown guy exclaimed. A twilight monster came up, pulled up some hawk grass and summoned a 'bird'.

"That doesn't look like a bird," Link stated.

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha! I am _evil_!" the monster said.

"_Whoa_. I haven't heard that in a LONG time," Saria spoke.

"FIGHT ME FOOLS! I have an advantage since I'm in the sky-" Saria shot the monster off the bird. "Oh come on! Why is this game so easy for you guys?!" She finished it off with her sword and it disintegrated.

"Now we better kill that bird thing too-"

"Wait," Midna said. She floated up to the bird. "Maybe we can use this to get up the river!"

"_How_?" everybody asked.

"Well, at least it'll help get our dog up the river."

"I'M NOT A DOG!" Link screamed. "STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

"Whoa! Raging Link!" Saria exclaimed.

"I blame it on you," Navi told her.

* * *

"What was the point of that?!" Link yelled at Midna. "The bird picking me up and carrying me _all _the way up this long river was completely pointless! Did you see Saria and Nathan?! All Saria needed to do was use her powers to get them up. BUT ME?!"

Saria suddenly collapsed… again.

"See? That was _tiring_," Midna told Link.

"No, I'm pretty sure it's lack of sugar."

"I doubt that."

"Huh, speaking of which, I don't think she's had any sweets since we came here…" Navi said.

Suddenly, a shop appeared close by. Magic Delivery Guy sat behind the desk.

"Sup guys, want cake?" he asked.

"CAKE?" Saria asked, jumping up and running over.

"Yeah, here's some cheesecake." He handed her some.

"For free?!"

"Yeah, I'm Magic Delivery Guy, not a salesperson. I work for the writer, so of course it's free."

"Whoopee!"

"Hey, wait a second…" Nathan started, looking at the delivery guy.

"HEY, have some cake!" MDG handed Nathan some cheesecake.

"You look familiar!"

MDG sweat-dropped. "What are you talking about?"

"Who?" Saria asked, her mouth full of cake.

"Drake?!" Nathan exclaimed, nearly dropping his cake.

"CRAP! I've been found out!" MDG exclaimed. He and his 'shop' vanished, but all the cake he had remained.

"Who's Drake?" Link asked.

"That guy. He's a friend of mine and my rival, and I hadn't seen him for quite a while until now," Nathan told them. "He's actually an ice mage."

"Does that mean that he froze the river? This whole place is frozen solid."

"I don't think that was him," Midna said. "Twilight tends to freeze large bodies of water sometimes. Don't ask me why."

"So why did he freak out when you found out it was him?" Saria asked.

"Well, it's either because he wanted to confuse the readers more or less, or he didn't want me to know it was him," Nathan answered. "I don't really see why it matters, though."

"Wait… This is Zora's Domain, right?" Navi questioned.

"Yeah," Midna replied.

"If the water's frozen, then does that mean all of the Zora's are frozen in the ice?"

There was a pause.

"_Again_?" Saria complained. "What is it with the Zoras and getting frozen?"

"It only happened twice, Saria," Navi told her.

"Still!"

"Hey, I think we need to get up there…" Nathan stated, pointing up to the top of the frozen waterfall.

"How are we supposed to do _that_?" Link asked.

"Remember back in the Hyrule Castle sewers when you first came into the twilight? You have to jump from platform to platform!" Midna told him.

"Honestly, I have no idea how that worked. All she did was float there and Link suddenly had magic jumping legs," Navi said.

"But _this _time, you have to jump on ice."

"How am I supposed to pull off something like that?!" Link yelled.

"_THIS IS ZELDA_."

Saria, rather than listening to this conversation, decided to toss her rope all the way up the waterfall and climb up. Thankfully, it was barely long enough for her to get all the way up. Apparently, it was a _really _long rope.

"WHOA," Nathan exclaimed. "I knew she was strong, but I didn't know she was _that _strong."

"C'mon, hurry up!" Saria shouted.

* * *

"Still no Zoras…" Navi stated.

"AUGH!" Nathan yelled all of a sudden, jumping back.

"What's _your _problem?" Saria asked.

"Don't look down!"

Because he told them not to, everybody looked down.

Incased in the ice looked like the spirits of every single Zora in the whole domain. They all looked like they were trying to escape, but didn't make it in time.

"Well… That's somewhat disturbing…" Saria said. "I wonder why they were all in the water at once."

"How about we melt the ice?" Midna suggested. "Nathan?"

"Sorry, the whole thing is frozen solid. I don't think I can handle that," Nathan answered.

"Huh… Remember that gigantic burning rock that crashed down on Death Mountain? Maybe we should use that."

"Wouldn't that kill off the whole freakin' race?!" Navi yelled. "That's completely insane!" Midna ignored her, though.

"Good thing I picked it up while you weren't looking." She snapped her fingers and the huge rock appeared above the ice.

"You're crazy! There's no way they'll survive this!"

Midna dropped the rock in the center of the pool, shattering the ice. Water burst out of the pool, right over all the ice in the domain. The heat of the rock flowing through the water melted all the ice.

In minutes, all of the Zora spirits had climbed out. They pretty much looked like they were going to die from coldness.

"… Whoa," everyone said.

Suddenly, a spirit appeared. But it wasn't just any spirit, it was an actual ghost.

"WHO CARES!" Saria yelled at the narrator/writer.

"Hello, I am Rutela the deceased Zora queen," the spirit greeted.

"Okay, seriously? They just took Ruto and changed it a bit."

"The only reason I have appeared is to tell you to save my son. He is dying from a terrible accident. And also, you can't get to the next temple without an item you get afterwards, anyway."

"Oh, wasn't he in that bar with Ilia?" Link asked. "Are we supposed to go back there?"

"We probably need to get rid of the twilight here first," Saria said.

"But if his life is on edge, then why would they make us wait?!" Navi yelled.

Saria suddenly stomped her foot. "Do you have any idea how annoying it is that this story is completely based off the game with our ranting and talking added? This isn't how it _used _to be, right?"

The wall suddenly exploded. The monkey terrorist from Chapter 5 came out!

"Okay, seriously?"

"Wait a second, there's twilight right now! Why are there so many people in this story that can defy the game's logic?!" Navi yelled.

"Muahahahahaha!" the monkey laughed. Well, I'm not actually sure whether he's a monkey or not, but I'll just call him one to make it easier. "Soon, all of the evil Jelly Blobs within the Lakebed Temple will _die_! All I need to do is press this button-"

"HOLD IT, MORON!" Saria shouted, kicking the monkey across the room, causing more destruction of the walls. All of the Zoras were incredibly confused since they were all invisible to them!

"Huh, it's kind of ironic how the Sage of Forest pretty much has superhuman strength," Link stated.

"What was the point of blowing up the wall and announcing that you're gonna kill whatever these _Jelly Blobs _are? And _WHY _are you back?!"

"Maybe the writer got bored again and is going to blow up another temple…" Midna suggested.

"Wait, you can't blow up the next temple! It's the water temple! And also, it has the last piece of the Fused Shadow! You can't just _skip past it_!" Navi yelled. "And besides, what if the writer has some creative ideas for it?"

"Yeah, it's the water temple, that's exactly why I'm going to blow it up. We all know that water temples are evil," the monkey said. "So are Jelly Blobs."

"_SHUT UP_!" Navi threw a punch at the monkey, sending him flying into another wall.

"Whoa, looks like Navi's snapped!" Link exclaimed.

"And for such a pointless reason, too," Midna said.

"Actually, there's an explanation for this. Every once in a while, Navi will completely snap and become an enemy to everything. It's even worse than it used to be because of something she did."

"What?"

"Back in the Kokiri Forest, I remember Navi watching something about how to properly punish people that annoy you…"

"Oh goddesses, not that…" Saria mumbled.

"It had a strange effect on her, and now, every once in a while, she'll completely snap. It's not every time, but it'll happen sometimes. It's only happened the first time back in the forest and now, but Navi will become a destructive machine and an enemy to everything in her path."

"Why does everybody in this story have some sort of problem?" Midna asked.

There was a pause, not counting the violence happening between Navi and the monkey in the background.

"Stop! Please! I won't blow up the temple!" the monkey insisted.

"YEAH RIGHT!" Navi shouted, giving him another kick.

"Should we call the police…?" Nathan asked.

"But then they'll think that Navi's the bad guy," Link said.

"But on the other hand, the monkey did say that the cops were _after him_, meaning that they knew who he was and that he was evil, right?" Saria stated.

"Navi might be arrested too, though."

"Don't worry, she's a main character. It'll work itself out somehow." Saria picked up a phone on a nearby table. Don't ask why it's there, it just is.


End file.
